Honor Your Father and Mother

Well, good morning. It's good to be with you all. We are going to continue in the Ten Commandments. And last sermon, we wrapped up the first four commandments. And so if we look at the broad overview of the commandments, what we have is the first four are vertical. They're dealing with our relationship to God. So Jesus sums them up as, you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, right? That is the greatest commandment. That's the first table of the law. And then we have the second table, which is the horizontal relationship, which is man to man. And what God does in his organizing of the commandments is that The fifth commandment, which we're about to study today, is sort of a transitional commandment. So our first commandment is, you shall have no other gods before me. That's the who, who we are to worship. We must worship the right God. Then he tells us that you shall not make for yourself a graven image. And that's how we are to worship God. We are to worship God as he has revealed himself to us.

not as an aspiration of who we wish God was or however we feel like. We should not make images of God. The third command is that we are not to take the name of the Lord our God in vain. That also deals with how we are worshiping God, the manner in which we do, with our mouths, right, and with our attitudes. And then the last command has to do with the time, that when. We need to have a day which is set apart, that is given over wholly to the worship of God. Well, the fifth commandment then is a transition from the first four to the last five. In it, we turn from God and we, in light of God and our worship of God, we look at how we are to treat and care and love one another.

The fifth commandment is that we are to honor our father and mother. And so we're going to read it. What I want to say is this is a sermon that we all need to be paying attention to, right? Because who here has parents? All of us, right? And so as we look at this commandment, it applies. to all of us. There's not one of us who can escape the weight of this. So if you will, please stand and let's read God's word, which is eternally true. And not only is God's word is eternally true, but it's given for your help and your benefit. And it's not burdensome. It's a joy. So our scripture is Exodus 20 verse 12.

Honor your father and your mother that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you. This is the word of the Lord. You may be seated. As I've been reading and studying the Ten Commandments, I've really been struck by how helpful they are. Each commandment hits us at a different chink, a different weakness of ours. And they all... are relevant. And so whatever commandment I'm studying, I'm always feeling like this is like the most important of the commandments because you realize how helpful it is and each of them hit at different weaknesses that we have. Well, in particular, the sin of the fifth commandment that is targeted is our rebellion, rebelliousness. If you think back into the garden, the serpent Eve rebels against the created order. The first clue that Eve should have had when the serpent tempted her was that this serpent is not staying in his proper position. He is not being submissive and being dominated under the rule of man. He's come out from under the rule of man and is being subversive.

was to be the man. Eve is master over the creatures. Adam's master over the creatures. And through his authority, so is Eve. And now we have a creature who's rebelling. Eve doesn't question the serpent's rebellion. Rather, she participates in it and brings the fruit to Adam. Now she's out of place and tempting her husband. Adam, rather than restoring order to creation, rebels as well. He takes over. and leads the rebellion. And at the point that he rebels and takes the fruit and eats of it, mankind falls. And this is a story that plays out again and again throughout scripture. Men in creation are continually in rebellion. Satan rebels against God, and then he naturally goes from that rebellion to teach rebellion to the rest of creation. And when Adam rebels against God, against God's authority, which was directly given to Adam. Adam is the son of God. It's not surprising then that all creation rebels against Adam. They're just doing what their leader did. And so Adam leads all creation in rebellion against God, and now creation's in rebellion against Adam, and it's become part of the DNA of the world. Think about the curses that God puts on the ground. It's that

there will be thorns and thistles and sweaty work because the ground will no longer willingly produce fruitfulness for man. What is that but rebellion? Eve's desire for her husband is rebellion. She no longer wants to submit. Children rebel against their parents. They don't want to obey all the way right away and with a happy heart. Citizens rebel against the ruling authorities. We badmouth them. We're angry at police officers for enforcing the laws. I had that in my notes before we talked about speeding tickets earlier today. We badmouth judges. We get angry at judges and their rules. We don't like our teachers. We rebel against our pastors and our elders, our bosses. You name it, we do not like authority in whatever way.

that it's manifested. And this is because we are like our father, Adam. We're following in his footsteps. In fact, our rebellion is so deep-seated and it's so ordinary to us. When we read through scripture, the striking thing to us isn't that man's rebelling against God. What strikes us is when man obeys. It's like, The obedience is shocking because the rebellion is assumed. It's the norm. And into this chaos of rebellion, of everyone doing what is right in their own eyes, like a firecracker on a still summer night, you're sitting on the porch swing and then, boom, we have the fifth commandment. Honor your father and mother that your days may be prolonged in the land.

which the Lord your God gives you. And if we're honest, we all secretly hate that commandment and we cringe when we hear it. Because as so often is the case, God gives us a command and he doesn't qualify it. There aren't caveats and qualifiers attached to it. And we all think that the command to honor our father and mother should come with a few really big and clear caveats. Some big qualifiers. But God simply says, honor your father and mother. And it's really simple. It's not easy, but it's a simple thing. He says, honor your father and mother. Well, this is foreign to our way of thinking. And sin complicates things. And so I want us to look in more detail at what God is commanding us in this commandment.

As with all of the commandments, we have both a narrower meaning and a broader meaning. The literal meaning and then the greater understanding of what's involved with that commandment. And remember, this is exactly what Jesus is doing in the Sermon on the Mount, right? When he's saying that you have heard it said, and then you should not commit adultery, right? He gives the command, and then he says, this is what it means, though. It's much broader than just not committing adultery. And then he expounds on it. And what Jesus is doing is he's the perfect expositor of the Ten Commandments and of Scripture, right? But he's not adding to this. This is something that was known, that it was more than just not committing adultery. When it comes to the command for us to honor our father and mother, it has consistently been understood that this does not simply mean our biological mother and father.

but it extends generally to all positions of authority. The Westminster Larger Catechism says, by father and mother in the fifth commandment are meant not only our natural parents, but all superiors in age and in gifts, and especially such as by God's ordinance are placed over us in authority, whether it's family, church, or commonwealth, the government, and so all authority, not just father and mother. Why then would God begin and use father and mother as a placeholder for authority? Well, he does this to teach us how we should relate to superiors and to teach superiors how they should relate to those under them. someone who's in authority, you should demonstrate love and tenderness towards those who are under you, according to your relationship. This is what the next catechism question says. The relationship that a mother and father have with their children is a picture of what those in authority should be like to those who are under their authority. It's also a picture of how inferiors are those under authority.

should relate to those who are over them in authority. So inferiors should have a willingness and a cheerfulness in performing their duties to their superiors as they should do with their parents. And so the language itself is a picture of the relationship that is supposed to exist between those in authority and those who are under authority. And the amount that we cringe at that, and reject it or squirm shows how far off and how bad our relationships in our society are with our fathers and mothers. Because, you know, the parent-child relationship is one that's supposed to be one of sweet unity and love and tenderness. And this picture is broken often by the sins that are committed.

The parent-child relationship is the most basic relationship that we have. It's fundamental. It's the relationship that helps us to understand and process the world. Our parents are the first authority in our lives. And that authority is what shapes us and directs us and helps us how we ought to view every other authority. And so it makes sense that God would sum up our need to honor authority by telling us to honor our parents. That relationship is so fundamental, the first teachers that we have, that it will shape how we interact and relate to every other authority that we come into contact with. Now, the rest of our time, we are mainly going to focus on what it means to honor our parents. And we'll talk a little bit about what it means to be honorable parents. There are many parallels and applications.

that will go beyond parent-child relationship. And I'm going to ask you to use your head and think about those. Because this will relate to how we relate to police officers, how we relate to our bosses, how we relate to our government officials, how we relate to the president. And you should be thinking about those. But our focus is primarily going to be on this relationship between children and their parents. And as we're going to see, this command is not one that's limited to when we're living at home or limited to while our parents are still living. Even if your mom or your dad has passed, you're still commanded to honor them. What you say and what you do will either bring honor to your parents or disgrace to them. So this is a very comprehensive command. Now, why? Why?

do we need to honor our parents? Romans 13.1 says, Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except from God, and those who exist are established by God. We learn this fundamental principle that all authority is derived authority. the sovereign creator of the world. He created it out of nothing by the word of his power. And then in it, he placed Adam. And we learn in one of the genealogies, it calls Adam the son of God. God placed authority upon Adam. And through Adam, that authority is transferred to all his descendants. And they have authority over their children.

All authority is from God. Now, God has the right to rule by virtue of the fact that he is God, and by virtue of the fact that he created all things. He then delegated his authority to man. And this is a theme that is throughout Scripture, but is probably most clearly summarized in the verse that I just read in Romans. So, when it comes to your parents, when it comes to our parents, God, is the one who placed you in the family that you grew up in. God chose your parents for you. Remember in Psalm 139 that the psalmist talks about how God sanded him in his mother's womb and knit him together. We see this very active picture of who God is. And he didn't just randomly put you with your mom and dad.

He placed you there. So when it comes to your parents, God puts you in a family and he puts you under the authority of a particular mom and a particular dad. And that means that if you dishonor those parents, you're dishonoring God because the authority is derived. Now we understand this in other scenarios, right? We understand that if a nation or people, take an American flag and start trashing it, rubbing it in the dirt and burning it. It is a dishonor to the United States of America because that flag is a representation of the United States of America. If another country attacks our ambassador or kills them, that is an attack on America because they are the representative in that country of America. They have derived authority.

As a citizen, they don't have that authority, but as a representative of the American government, an attack on their person is an attack on the government. Well, this is our parents. To dishonor our parents is to dishonor God, because our parents stand in relationship to us as God. Their authority comes directly from God, and so to reject their authority or to despise it is to reject God's authority and despise his authority. Now, most of us are fine with those statements as long as we can kind of leave them in the realm of theory. Theoretically, it's fine to say that because in theory, we have not been sinned against. And in theory, we don't have to deal with sinful authorities. But as soon as we begin to say that you must honor your mom and dad, or the police officer who's pulled you over, or the judge who made a decision in a ruling that you don't agree with, or honor our governmental authorities, or our president, or our boss, or the GC who just doesn't really understand and screws everything up, we bristle. Do you feel how rebellious you are? I can feel all the objections as I was thinking about this sermon and writing it.

I think of all the caveats we want to add to honor our father and mother. We want to trim this simple command down. We want to add qualifiers. We want to do all that we can so that in the end, the teeth are removed. And we have any excuse we need to get out of the simple command that God said we are to honor our father and mother. And in it, we're just so similar, following in the footsteps of Adam. Our rebellion runs so deep. But here's the thing to remember. If we cannot honor the authorities that we can see, what makes us think we will honor the authority that we cannot see? God. God is over us. And if we reject earthly authorities, do you think that you can maintain an honor and an obedience to God's authority while rejecting all earthly authority?

It's easy to honor in theory, but find exceptions whenever in the real world we are called to honor the authorities that God's placed over us. Notice, there are no caveats in this verse. The Lord says to honor your father and mother. There is no time limit given. Honor your father and mother. It doesn't say honor them as long as they are alive. or as long as you're in the house, or as long as you theme them to be honorable. It just says, honor your father and mother. So what does it mean? How do we honor them? Well, the first and the most basic meaning of honoring our father and mother is obedience. Are you kids listening? Obedience, right? That is the most basic way in which we do it.

You are called to obey your parents, and it is not honoring them if the obedience comes after they've asked three times or had to threaten you or counted or spanked, and then you obey. Obedience is done right away, all the way, and with a happy heart. Think about it. When you go to the grocery store and you see the mom begging her child to put something back or to stop asking for something, immediately we all feel what? Shame, right? You're all embarrassed for that mother. Why? Because her child will not honor her. And we all know that that child's behavior is disgusting and that child should be honoring his mother and not causing her shame in front of the whole grocery store because of their lack of obedience. Obedience that honors is obedience that's right away, all the way in with a happy heart. And our obedience is not dependent on whether we think that our mom is weak or if you think your parents are cool. Our obedience is also not dependent on whether we think what our parents require of us will cause us to be uncool in school or whether it will cause us to not be popular.

The command is simply to obey. And listen, if you will not respect and obey your mom and dad, then I fear for your soul. Because the child who will not honor and obey his parents, his father and his mother, is a child who will not obey any authority, especially God. Obedience is not dependent on having a sinless authority over us. Because everyone... He's a sinner. If God wanted us to have sinless authorities, then he would have had to send the angels who had not fallen to rule over us, or he would have to come down and do it himself. But if you read scripture and look at all the times that angels came to give God's commands to man, I think you'll reassess whether you want.

an angel to rule over you in that way because it's terrifying. And if God were to walk in our midst ruling over us in that way, do you remember what he said to the people of Israel? I'm stepping back or I will consume you. It's God's mercy to us to give us mediators, delegated authority. Now, if we were to look in Proverbs, Proverbs is, one way to look at Proverbs is that it's actually a whole book explaining the command to honor your father and mother. If you really want to know, how can I honor my mom and dad? Study the book of Proverbs, because throughout it, it's saying the words of a father to his son, the words of the mother.

And it talks about again and again, the words of the father and mother, listen to your father who begot you and do not despise your mother when she is old. You know, that really is a danger for us, especially I think as young men, it is a danger that you despise your mother. You must learn to love your mother and you'll learn in doing so how to treat a woman, which will pay dividends to you when you pursue a wife. But the other thing that we have to remember as children is that we do not have the tools or the responsibility to diagnose our parents' weaknesses. Fixing your parents is not your job. Your job is to love and honor them. Here's the thing. Your parents know more than you do. Your parents know more than you know. And you do not know how much you don't know.

And on its own, that's not a problem. That's actually how God created the world, right? We were born helpless and knowing nothing. And as we grow, we learn. We should learn. That's good. It is a problem if you think that you're smarter than your parents and that you are going to teach them the ways of the world. They've been around the block more times than you. I remember, I mean, There are multiple examples I can think of in my life. One time when I was, I quit, I was painting for a man and I quit painting for him. I tried to quit well, but I was frustrated with him. And I remember one of the elders telling me that give it a year and you're going to understand him far better than you do now. It's like, whatever. I know the problems with this company and I knew some of the problems. But a year later.

I have much more sympathy for my boss because I understood what was going on in a way I hadn't. Listen to wise men, even if you don't understand, because they've been around the block a little bit more and they know more than you. Now, I am going to give you a caveat. As we said previously, all authority is derived authority. The authority comes from somewhere. Where does it come from? It comes from God, which means... If a subordinate authority contradicts the highest authority, you honor the subordinate authority by obeying the higher authority. Our primary obedience and loyalty is due to God. So if we're ever commanded to disobey God, we must honor our parents by honoring God's command above their command. Here's the thing. That can be really tricky. It's not always obvious. And that...

And one of the blessings that God's given us is a church and godly men and women to help us to parse out those differences. So that if we really think that we have an authority who's telling us to contradict God, we can talk not to our peers and our friends to see what they think, but talk to a Titus II woman or your pastor. or your elder, and say, I have this problem. And a note to us as parents, as you think about honoring your father and mother, your window for teaching your children to honor you is a short window. And if your method of gaining obedience from your children is just physical force, it's a very short window.

Because your children get bigger and stronger. And mothers, your sons will be stronger than you. And so we have to teach our children to honor. And fathers, you must have your sons honor their mothers and learn very young. Because you will not be able to control them once they get too strong and too big. If they have not learned that in a young age. We have to teach them to listen to our words. We cannot just rely on physical force or obedience. And here's the thing for us as parents as well. We must remember that our children are not our friends. Your children are not your friends. Kids, your parents are not your friends. You're not equals. You're not peers. Your parents have authority over you.

that relationship can begin to change. I was talking with my father-in-law and he said, you know, I think around maybe when I turned 40 or maybe into my 50s, I became to be more friends with my parents. It does change. In Genesis, we learn that a husband and a wife are to leave and cleave. They become their own family unit. There comes a point when you're no longer living at home. and you're no longer on your parents' dime. You're earning your own way in life. And as that begins to happen, there begins to be a transition where honoring your parents is no longer the obedience aspect as much, where you're out in your own home making your money, paying your bills. You're not...

Your parents are not able to tell you when to come home and when to leave in the ways that they are while you're still at home living under their rules. So how we obey them and how we honor them changes. It will look different. And yet the command to honor does not change. And that's why I think in the Ten Commandments, it does not say simply to obey your parents, but it says to honor, because honor entails more than obedience. but not less than obedience. So how do we honor our mother and father? Well, listen to them. Listen to them. Call your parents. Pay attention when your parents talk to you, even if they're telling this story for the 100th time. I remember as my grandma was declining, she has dementia, and I would call her, and she remembered all the same stories from 60...

70 years ago, like they were yesterday. But she couldn't remember that I called her last week. And so she'd tell me the same stories. She can't talk now. And, you know, it's wonderful to have those memories of the stories that she told, right? You honor your parents. You talk to them, even if they're telling you the same things. Ask them questions. Ask their advice. You don't have to follow their advice. You don't agree with it. But you should ask their advice, especially if it's an area in which they're an expert at. Ask them. See what they have to say. Honor your parents by acknowledging the work that they've done and the sacrifices that they've made for you. Honor your parents by praising them. When you speak to others, give credit to your parents. Honor them in what you say. Honor your parents.

by forgiving them. Your parents are sinners and they've sinned against you. Honor them by forgiving them. You know, Jesus continued in subjection to his parents. It's one of the craziest verses you can read in scripture, that Jesus, who is without sin, continued in subjection to his mom and dad. Think about that. Joseph and Mary sinned against Jesus because they were sinners. And think about how humiliating it was for Christ to have to subject himself to sinful parents who parented him or tried to parent him. I mean, imagine what difficulties you would have as a parent trying to parent a perfect child. And yet your eyes are clouded by sin. And so you misinterpret his perfect righteousness as sin in him, arrogance or whatever. I don't know. My kids aren't perfect.

It's an astounding thing. And Jesus subjected himself to them. So can we not honor our sinful parents? Like, do we think we're better than Christ in his having to have honored sinful parents? It's really not a comparison. And another way that we can honor our parents is we can pray for them, especially if they are not Christians. that we can pray that God would soften their hearts and call them to himself. Well, what if your parents really are wicked? What if they really are wicked? Not just sort of, you're jealous because your friend's parents let them do whatever they want, and so you're mad at your parents because you think they're a little too strict or whatever. But what if your parents are wicked? Here's a couple things. Remember that they are in a position that God placed them in, And you owe someone in that position an honor that's due the office, even if the person in the office is not honorable. We have to honor the position of authority and the way we speak and the way we deal with them. And also remember that there are issues that because you're in the position of a child, it's not proper for you to deal with them. And you must trust.

that God will bring along the proper authority to deal with those things. And that your job is to pray for them and trust God to have someone deal with those things. Because as a child, you're not able to. Honoring someone does not require you to maintain a relationship with them. There can be sins that are so great that the relationship must be ended and broken off. If you think that is the case, though, don't make that decision in a vacuum. Don't wake up one morning and say, I think this is what I should do. God has given us wise elders and pastors, older women, who we can go to and talk to and seek counsel from. But even if that is the case, and their sin is so great against us that we have to break off some sort of relationship, it does not mean that we have free reign to dishonor them in the way that we speak about them.

and in the way that we deal with them, we must maintain respect and honor towards them. Treating your parents with honor also does not mean that you agree with them or the lifestyle that they're living. Honor means that you must treat them with respect and care, not that you must lie or enter into their sin and approve of it. It does not mean, and if you do come into a situation where you do have to deal with, confront sin. You must remember what 1 Timothy 5.1 says, which is, do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers. And so we do have instruction that if we're dealing with sin and it's in this relationship of someone who's to be honored by us, we must do it in a particular way, maintaining honor and respect for that person.

The last thing that we must remember is that there's a promise attached to this. And that promise is that our days will be prolonged in the land which the Lord gives us if we honor our father and mother. The Ten Commandments have two positive commands. Honor the Sabbath. Honor your father and mother. Two positive commands. And the honoring our parents comes with a beautiful promise. You will have a long life. And the idea is not just like if you honor your mom and dad, you're going to live to be 100. The idea behind this is more than that. It means that you'll have an abundant life, a joyful life, a happy and full life. And the implication is that the opposite is true. That if you live a life dishonoring of your father and your mother, that your life will be full of misery and it will be short. We can find exceptions that prove this rule, but by and large, it's true. And that's also tied to the fact that what we said in the beginning, that those who reject the first authority in their life, the one that teaches them how to relate to authorities and dishonor that authority, will be rejecting of all authority, which means they will be living a life under the punishment of God.

So as parents, we must live honorable lives. Let's make this easier on our children by living honorable lives, right? Encourage good behavior in your children. Discipline your children appropriately. Use the proper measure in accord with the sins that they sin. Do not let your children get away with dishonoring you. That will bear bad fruit. Teach your children to love God. Because ultimately, that's what this whole honoring of authority is. That's why this commandment to transition, it's saying that in teaching our children to honor us, we are teaching them to follow the first table of the law. Raising your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord is teaching them to honor you, and by doing so, to honor and obey the commandments of God. If you're living at home, Your parents are your direct authority. Maybe what you should do is ask your parents if you've been honoring them. Seek forgiveness for your lack of honor. Obey right away, all the way, and with a happy heart. As adults, we should ask counsel from our pastors and elders if we're unsure about how to apply this commandment to our parents. Don't sit in an existential crisis on your own trying to figure this out.

Call your parents. Let them know about your life and what's going on. Ask for their advice, right? Include your parents in your lives. If they need support, support them. You will honor your parents by raising godly children because there's nothing more honoring for a parent than when their children fear the Lord and seek him. Speak respectfully and well of your parents. Don't talk negatively about them. Don't wash their dirty laundry in front of everyone else. And that goes for our politicians, for older people. One of the ways that we honor them is by covering their nakedness. And so there's a few ideas of how to honor your parents. There's more. And not all of these will apply equally as well in our situations. But the command that God gives us, is one that we must honor the authorities in our lives. And if you refuse to submit to authority and to honor it, then I fear for you. Because God is our authority. And if we won't love and submit to the authorities that we can see, we will not do it for the authority that we cannot see. But if we do, what joyful lives we will lead as men and women who are under authority.

who live under God's smile. Let's pray.