Womens Talk

I'm going to pray first. Thank you. Father, thank you for bringing us here tonight. Thank you for the way you've created us and knitted us together in our mother's wombs. Thank you for our husbands and please help us to learn tonight how to better honor them and love them. And thank you for our marriages. I pray that we would grow each day in our love for our husbands and Tonight, just please help us to glorify you with our words and to guard our tongues so that everything that we speak is pleasing in your name. Amen. Okay. All right. I've been asked to talk about marriage tonight. Three topics. Being a helpmate, balancing your roles as wife and mother, and intimacy. So before I start, a couple of cautions. I recently listened to a webinar.

done by a pastor's wife and she said that you know younger women are always wanting Titus 2 women but when they get them they're not as happy with it as they thought they would be because the Titus 2 women are often teaching them things that are difficult things they don't want to hear and just in terms of how to love their husbands, what it means to be a keeper at home, sometimes those messages are hard to hear. So I'll probably say some things tonight that you might not like or are hard to hear, but try to, you know, keep an open mind and an open heart. And also, the keeper at home, In King James, it tells the Titus 2 women to admonish the younger women. And then through the years, it became teach. And now there's even verses that just say encourage them. So the message has been softened in translations through the years. The other thing tonight is I'm going to talk probably a lot about...

things that where I'm generalizing to say women this men this wives this husbands that and just know that there's exceptions but before you dismiss it think about is that really true or are you really an exception or is this something that you need to take to heart and the other thing that I'm just going to tell you up front because we'll be talking in a lot of areas where this could be taken wrong is that we're not condoning any kind of abuse, no abuse of children, no abuse of wives. And if you think that your husband is abusing you or your children, you know, you need to talk to one of the pastors to discuss it. Or if there's danger, you know, you get out. Get help if you can. Pastors will help you if you're in danger or elders or their wives.

All right. And then the other thing is if you and your husband have disagreements that you just can't resolve, you know, and it just is an ongoing contention between you, get counseling. And seek it in humility. Being willing to hear that you're wrong. Counselor's not always going to take your side. You might be wrong. We all sin. It's not just husbands who sin. Wives sin too. All right, the first section being a helpmeet. In Genesis 2.18, God said, That's the King James Version. And this is the beginning of the passage where God is creating Eve for Adam. And notice that Helpmeet is two words. And as I was researching the meaning, I found out that in the time of the King James Version, meet meant suitable. And it kind of got coined as a word, helpmeet into one word or helpmate. They were kind of used interchangeably. But it's probably a better translation if we look at the NASB 95, which says, Then the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. So think of, if you hear help me, think suitable helper. So how can we be suitable helpers to our husbands? This feels like I'm losing it. First, pray for your husband and join the prayer challenge that just started. I don't think you're behind.

You're never behind if you start praying for your husband. And also pray for specific things that are areas you disagree about and be open to the Lord convicting you that you are wrong and not your husband. A lot of times we think that when we're praying, we disagree. He just needs to see our side of it, but that might not be the case. Another way you can be a suitable helper for your husband is to have a good attitude. Remember that the first measure of how we are succeeding is whether or not our work is pleasing to God. And so we need to have an attitude in all the work that he gives us, whether it's the work of the home, the work of loving our children, the work of loving our husbands, that we want.

our work to be pleasing to the Lord. And don't let the culture kind of lead you into or trick you into thinking that you should despise the work that God's given you. The culture basically, since feminism has, they decided, the feminists decided that unless you got a paycheck, your work wasn't important. But all the years before that, no one thought that. And that's not what God says. So don't believe those lies that your work in the home is unimportant or menial. And learn to love it and do it joyfully. God created work before the fall. It wasn't that the fall came and then we had to work. No, work is good. And that's part of the original creation.

It's true that it's more difficult, you know, after the fall. We have problems with it. We have weeds in our garden, all sorts of things. But it's still good. And it's true for your husband and for you. So don't hate your work. The next way you can be a helper to your husband is to encourage him. You can be his cheerleader. The Proverbs 14 one says, the wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands. And you do not want to be the wife who is tearing down, not building her house. And the same way you want to be building up your husband, not tearing him down. And women particularly can be.

harsh with their words and, you know, rain on parades. Something I have to constantly, you know, look for in myself. Look for ways that you can thank your husband, praise your husband, give your husband compliments, and do it. And don't just be general, but be specific. For example, I appreciate your diligence in providing for a family. I appreciate the time you spent with the kids today. You know, it could be, oh, I appreciate you helping with the dishes, or I appreciate you set the table. It could be anything. Just look for those places where you can appreciate him and listen to him. Take an interest in the things that interest him. Try to understand, ask questions.

Just like you would do if you're trying to get to know someone that you didn't know. Think about your husband when he's talking about things that you don't know about. If he's talking about his work or he's talking about a hobby that you don't know about, take an interest in it. Ask questions. Next, make time for your husband. One thing you need to make time for is things he's asked you to do. Are you prioritizing those when he asks you to do something? Do you put them at the bottom of the list if you have time to do that? And another thing you should prioritize is spending time with him. And particularly when he asks you. Sometimes I think we miss even hearing that when our husband is asking you to, you know, sort of sit on the sofa while we watch this football game.

You're not realizing that's time he's wanting to spend with you. That might not be your thing, but you can take an interest in it. And don't miss those times when he's asking to spend time with you. Just be listening for them. It may just be said in passing. Sometimes if it's not been your habit to do that, the asking gets further and further apart. But you can also just look for ways to do that. If he's doing something, can you sit with him and watch him or listen with him? Men appreciate that, you just being sitting with them sometimes. It doesn't have to be a conversation for them. And then on the, oh, don't think about what you could be doing instead. Just try to.

Enjoy the time with your husband. A lot of us have a tendency to be thinking, oh, but it would be so much more productive if I would do this. But sometimes that's not the best choice. Sometimes the choice is just to relax and not think about those things. Next is be helpful. And I'm specifically talking here about... how you can share your wisdom with your husband. Submitting to your husband doesn't mean that you don't offer him your wisdom and advice. That's kind of a ditch on one side. Oh, I submit so I don't speak up. The ditch on the other side is nagging and repeating your advice because he didn't, I'll put air quotes, listen. Where listen means he didn't change or he didn't take your advice.

That doesn't mean he didn't listen or hear. That just means that's not the decision that he made, or maybe he hasn't made it yet. Sometimes we can be impatient, and we want the answer right away, and our husbands may need longer to process and think about the advice. And don't be discouraged when he doesn't take your advice. Think about all the advice that you get. And how much of it you take, whether not just from your husband, but from other friends and mothers and whoever, you know, mother-in-laws. Esther, in the book of Esther, we have accounts of how Queen Esther advised her husband, the Persian king, about a plan to assassinate him. And later, a plan to have all the Jews in Persia killed. She prayed.

She spoke with her husband and ultimately saved her people because she was willing to give him her advice. Proverbs 31, 26 in describing the excellent wife says, she opens her mouth in wisdom and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Proverbs 27, 15 describes the opposite. A constant dripping on a day of steady rain. and a contentious woman are alike. This one's repeated in different variations, you know, through Proverbs. So just because your husband hasn't changed doesn't mean he doesn't know what you think. Nagging doesn't help. And you don't want to become the contentious wife who's a steady drip. What's helpful is prayer. And working on what you can control, what you can do better, instead of focusing on what you want your husband to do or not do or do differently. Once you've said your thoughts once, don't need to keep repeating them. It's not like a child where you have to keep repeating them again and again. Your husband has heard what you think. Next.

Use your skills. Look at your skills and figure out how you can leverage them to help your husband and your family. You know, what are you good at? Where can you be a help to your husband? And there's lots of ideas in Proverbs 31 of all the different ways that the Proverbs 31 woman leverages her skills to help her family. Make your home a refuge. You want your home to be a hospitable place for your husband and your family. You want them to have space to be there comfortably, particularly your husband. You want space for him to be hospitable to others. And you want space for your home to be peaceful and a place where you can do all the things that you...

want to do with your husband and your family. Make space for his things. Don't just take over the home with your things and not acknowledge that he needs space for his own things. You want him to feel like this is his home and a place where he wants to be and a place where he's comfortable. a helper to your husband, is to be a diligent worker at home. Proverbs 31, 27 says, she looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. So there's lots of specific ways to look well to the ways of your household. And many are listed in Proverbs 31. But I'll point out a few examples. And I know you probably have heard some of these things before. I think you ought to.

another talk that was focused on this subject. But be financially literate. Be wise in your spending. Know what your finances are. Manage. If you have a budget for groceries or whatever, manage it well. And if you need to make an appeal, do that carefully and prayerfully. Manage your home. don't expect your husband to tell you what to do. You are the keeper of the home. Now, that doesn't mean he doesn't get input. He's the leader, and so he might ask you to do something different or to do something or to change something, and you need to honor his requests. But generally, it's your work to manage. He has his work outside the home to manage, and the home is yours to manage.

I have a resource list we're going to pass out later, but one of the books that might be helpful is a book called Simplified Organization by Misty Winkler. If you're struggling to figure out how to manage your home, feed your husband. Feed him things he likes. Don't just cook only the things that are your favorites. Discipline your children. Don't wait till your husband comes home. He does not need to spend his evenings disciplining the children because you didn't. That doesn't make for a happy evening for anybody. And especially when they're young, by the time he gets home, they don't remember. Now, when you have teenagers and a rebellious teen, it might take dad's heavier hand. But in general...

You know, just take care of those things as they happen. Don't save them up and dump them on your husband when he walks in the door. Put your husband's needs first. Ask him what's most important to him. Philippians 2, 3 to 4 reminds us, do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. And it's easy to forget that others doesn't mean like people outside your house. Your husband is your first other. So you're to be looking to his interests before your own. And that's why, you know, asking him, what's, you know, what's the most important thing? When you get home from work, what's the most important thing that should be done or ready? Or is it that the house should be picked up, that dinner's ready, that the children are not wild and running crazy around, that they know that he needs a little recovery time? It could be anything. But ask him. And, of course, when we're saying look to your husband's interest before your own,

If I was talking to them, I would be telling them the same thing. They need to be looking to your interests before their own. But it's not up to us to be telling them that because we can't control that. We can just control what we do and how we act. But I'm not trying to imply that that's one-sided, that you're looking to his interests and he's supposed to be looking to his interests too. You should be looking to yours. Take care of your body. You need food and strength for the work you're called to do. You need rest. And I've got another ditch example. The ditch on one side is that your body becomes your idol or that you become so consumed with fitness or health or looking good that you neglect other things, you know. You're working out two hours a day.

And, but the other side is neglecting caring for your body. Proverbs 31, charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. And it's true that we want to not fall into that ditch of the body versus the heart. But on the other hand, Proverbs 31, 17, she girds herself with strength and makes her arms strong. Proverbs 31, 22, she makes coverings for herself. Her clothing is fine linen and purple. So this is the area where sometimes we put our kids first. You know, we make sure they're looking really good and then don't spend time or money or energy on our own.

But your husband appreciates it when you take care of your body. And you can better do your work when you're eating right, sleeping, getting some exercise. And then meet your husband's need for intimacy. And that we're going to talk about more in the third section. So that's not an exhaustive list of how you can be a helper to your husband and a suitable helper to your husband. But it's some ideas to get you started and think about. And particularly if there's not even one of those things that you think, oh, this is the area I need to work on, then just start with that. All right. How to balance your roles as wife and mother. All of us have several roles to fulfill. We're Christians. We may also be wives, mothers, teachers, daughters, sisters, employees, and many other things.

And it's up to us to recognize what's important every day and how to let go of what we can't do. And it's easy to give in to overwhelm when we think we have too much to do. There's no end to the good work that we could do. And it's easy for our husbands to get the short end of the stick because we're doing good. But it might not be the right good. It's also easy to think that you don't have time for everything that you're called to do. We may not have enough time for what we want to do. We may not have enough time for what we think we need to do. But we always have time to do what God wants us to do each day. And if you're getting into that overwhelmed thing, that's when you need to pull yourself back and remember that. And God's very clear about our priorities.

Our first priority is to him, his word, our relationship with him, having an eternal perspective, our husband, and our children. And then he's also given us the responsibility for our home. And there's many other commands of things we're to do as Christians, like showing hospitality, feeding the poor, caring for others, bringing others to him, you know, being a witness for him. You might not be able to do all those things all the time. And that's your responsibility to go to him and pray about what you should be doing on a daily basis. God created time. It's the same for each of us. And regardless of the fact about how many books there are on time management, We can't manage it or control it. It's just ticking away. All we can manage is us and how we're spending those hours that he gives us. So here's some questions to ask yourself to assess whether or not your priorities are in order. Are you prioritizing God? Are you reading your Bible, praying, attending church, teaching your children about God?

Don't just go through the motions and check off the boxes, but are you growing and being sanctified? Are you focusing on building a relationship with Jesus and opening your hearts to the areas where he's prompting you to change? Often that's, we know we should change, but we don't want to. Are you prioritizing your husband? This is an area of struggle for many, so... I have a list of questions here to help you recognize your weaknesses here, and mine. Are you prioritizing the work your husband has asked you to do? You know, you need to know your husband's priorities for you. Again, I don't mean that he's supposed to be planning your days, but what are the things, you know, that he wants you to focus big picture on for him or for your family or for your home?

If he's told you specific things that are important to him, are you getting those done and honoring his requests? Are you prioritizing your husband's requests for time with you? This could be time for doing things with him, time for intimacy, time for having people over, or it could be that he just wants to sit with him, you know, and spend that time shoulder to shoulder. Are you prioritizing your husband's requests concerning your children? It could be how he wants you to discipline them. It could be what he wants them to be doing or not doing during the day when he's not there. Are you looking for ways to love your husband? Do you ask your husband for permission before taking on outside responsibilities? That's always a good thing to do. One, it gives you time to pray about it.

When you just quickly say yes, you know, that's not a prayerful. I mean, sometimes it's a little small thing, you know. Someone calls you up and they need something quickly. But if it's taking on anything of substance, it's good to talk it over with your husband, pray about it, and listen to him. Not try to convince him why you should or shouldn't do whatever he thinks you should or shouldn't. And you make time for intimacy. I think maybe I covered that in the other one. Are you prioritizing your children appropriately? You know, this is another ditch you can fall on. Children can become the highest priority and the center of the home. And you can put them first in every decision. And they do, especially when they're young. They require lots of your attention to make sure they're safe, clean, fed, taught, nurtured. And you want to play with them?

and enjoy them. But that doesn't mean they come first in every decision. On the other side of the ditch is finding ways to entertain them, like handing them a tablet so you can, you know, pursue your own thing. So whether it's a hobby, whether you want to be on social media, whether you want to talk on the phone with your friends. Not that any of those are wrong. They're wrong when your priorities get out of whack and the time that they're consuming gets out of whack. Are you prioritizing your home? Is your home a clean, hospitable place for your family and your guests? I don't mean that it needs to look like something out of a magazine. Homes are meant to be lived with and messes will happen, but you need to have a way.

or routine so that messes get picked up, the house gets clean again, even if it's only for five minutes. I know the feeling of mopping the floor and then things get tracked in on it, but that's what it's for. It's for living. But you want it to be hygienic and safe and hopefully not spreading the flu. And are there clear spaces in your home for your family to work and play? You know, if your husband needs to sit down and work, is there a place? If your kids need to do homework, is there a place for that? Is there a place for your kids to play? Are you feeding your family healthy meals? So if you're struggling in any of the areas above, You need to take a realistic look at your responsibilities and your commitments and how you're using your time. And it also helps to remember that one of the best things you can do for your children is to have a loving, stable marriage. So that needs to be a priority, too. You want them to grow up because they can sense tension.

sense anger. They can sense when your husband says something. If you aren't actively trying to hide your dismay, they'll see it. They'll pick up on it. And they'll also use it to drive wedges between you and your husband. You know, there's always going to be seasons where everything gets out of whack. You know, you have a new baby or you move or something happens and you need to reset. And the routines that you had that were working, I had someone tell me recently, the fourth baby, she was great. And then all of a sudden, the fourth baby, she couldn't do her laundry anymore. It was like, so when those things happen, you got to do a reset and get back into a routine. Just don't give up and say, well, it's just going to be like this, you know. Forest put me over the edge.

And you also need to have a rhythm that lets you get that rest time and the recreation time and eat, not skip meals. So if it seems impossible, then that's when you need to take stock and come up with new routines. Because remember, God doesn't require more of you. then you can give. Now, you might need somebody else to help you go through that, an older woman or your husband. But first, pray. Ask God to tell you how to order your days. You can pray for the big picture. You can pray for every day. You can pray for right now. I don't know what to do. And let him show you.

If there's a specific area that you think is being neglected, pray about that. Pray that God shows you what you should not be doing. You might think it's important, but maybe it's not as important as you think. Pray before you take on any additional responsibilities. I think I talked about that a little before. And take a realistic look at what's on your plate. So I have a little handout to kind of to walk you through this called the brain dump. But there's some instructions in it. But basically, you're going to write down everything that's in a to do in your life. It might be cleaning the bathroom. You know, it just there's lots of them. You might want to make categories and say, this is my.

These are my to-dos as a wife. These are my to-dos as a mother. These are my to-dos as a homemaker. These are my to-dos as an employee, if you're working, or if you have some other big commitment outside the home. And then the first thing that you do is you look through your list and see what you can cross off. Or things that you can say, well, I'd like to do this Sunday, but it's not. It's just not going to fit in right now. Or the things that you can ask somebody else to do. If you have older children, you can start delegating to your older children. There might be something that you're doing outside the home that you can find someone else to take your place. So think about that.

Look to see if you have too many outside commitments, and so they're taking up time that you need for your family. You might need to step back for a season and maybe finish out what you're doing, or like I said, find someone to take over, and then don't immediately think, oh, well, this is done. Now I can do, you know, A is done. Now I can do B. Maybe not. Are you worried that your children will be missing out and you have them involved in too many activities? depending on the ages of your children. Can something be dropped? If you're homeschooling, are you devoting the right amount of time to that? Could be too much, could be too little, might be just right. And then another place you can look is your standards. In every area, you need to see are your expectations too high or are your expectations too low? That could be anything from how well you clean your house.

Are you willing to settle for good enough or are you always wanting perfection? Or are you not getting to it and the crud is building up? Or cooking, you know, are you thinking that every meal needs to be something new and different and spending a lot of time on coming up with different meals? Or are you neglecting it and your family's not really getting healthy and nutritious meals? All those things you can look at. And then take a look at how you're using your time. Are you using your time wisely? Are you being diligent? Are you getting the right amount of rest? Are you easily distracted? Do you spend excess time on your hobbies or social media or other entertainment?

And note I said excess. I didn't say that those things were wrong. You should be able to have time to relax. But it's easy to get involved in a project or get involved in the rabbit holes of social media. I know personally myself, you know, you think you sit down for five minutes and all of a sudden it's 45. A timer can be helpful if you're taking a break like that to use a little timer. There's timers on your phone. You can just set and say, oh, yeah, I'm going to take 15 minutes for this and then really take 15 minutes for this. And the same, not just for the things that are distracting, but for the things, the work that you need to do, you know. Do you think, time yourself. How long does it take to clean your bathroom? How long does it take to do your dishes if you're focused on it?

And then start setting, you can set timers to make sure that that doesn't stretch out too long, that you're not spending too much time. It's easy to go into, you know, the kitchen and start doing the dishes and then you put something in the way and then you think, oh, I should clean out this cabinet or whatever. I mean, there's, even with work, it's easy to get distracted. So, you know, if you are in that. space where you think you just don't have enough time to get everything done, you might just start taking notes of your time, like in 15 minute intervals for two or three days and see where you're spending your time. And one thing as you're doing that, if you find yourself doing things differently, because you have to write it down, that might be an area you need to work on. But, but then, you know, evaluate, you know, I spent this much time doing this, was that a realistic amount of time? Or should I spend that time on something else? The other thing is, are you planning how you're spending your time? Or just letting the days kind of roll through? And if you, you don't need to plan everything down to the minute, but you should have some realistic plan of what you're going to get done in a day.

And it helps to write it down. And I have a little like weekly sheet that is helpful for me to kind of think about, okay, what are the big things I need to get done this week? You know, and then each day, what are those priorities? And sometimes you have commitments that are appointments that have to fit in there. But it doesn't have to be elaborate. And you don't have to use colored. different colored markers and stickers and all that. Some people enjoy that as long as it doesn't take too much of your time to do that. That's fine. But that can become a project in itself. So once you're done with that assessment, that's when if you still start trying to put things in time and think, I just have too much. I can't get it all done. That's when You might want to call in some outside help. You can ask your husband, and you can ask Titus II women in your church. They can call me. And when you talk to that person, one thing, when you're looking at someone to ask, make sure you're asking somebody who's going to give you good advice, not someone.

Don't go expecting that person to commiserate with you and tell you how, oh, it is really terrible. I don't see how you could possibly get all that done. That's not the kind of person you want to look for to give you advice. You want somebody who you think is good at managing and balancing their own life and someone who will be honest and direct with you. And try not to argue with them, you know, especially your husband. But also, if it's another woman, listen to their advice and try it. And really try it. Don't just go through the motions of trying it. But the reason God has put these people in our lives is to be helpful to us. And so if we resist what they tell us and try to argue and stick to our guns that, oh, no, it's just too much.

It's not helpful to you, and it's not helpful for them. Okay, that's my first two sessions. Do you want me to take a break before I do intimacy? Okay, take a five-minute break. What? Okay, I think that's working. Okay, intimacy in marriage. Last time I talked about this at my church, I had several women say their husbands wanted them to be at this. So I don't know if any of your husbands encourage you to be here. But first I want to remind you that God created sex. He created it to bring husband and wife together, making us one flesh. So it's a good thing. The world has hijacked it in twisted and perverted ways.

But we in the church need to refocus on the original design and intent that God had when he created sex for reproduction, but also for pleasure. It's a difficult topic to discuss. It's often considered private. Each of you comes from a different family background, and how the topic was discussed varies from none to open to everything in between. You know, it may be the same in your relationship with your spouse. It may be something you've been able to discuss openly, or it may still be an area where there's discomfort when you talk about it. So talking about it in a setting of women, you may or may not know well. I don't know all you, so I don't know how well you know each other. It might seem a little uncomfortable. However, remember that the sexual bond between a husband and wife was created by God.

For procreation and our enjoyment, it's good and it's discussed in the Bible. The theme of the whole book of Solomon is passionate physical love. It wasn't put into the Bible by accident. And we're told in the New Testament not to neglect this area of our marriage. 1 Corinthians 7, 3-4 The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise, also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. And if you're still wondering if it's an appropriate topic for us to discuss, I'll remind you that in Titus 2, verse 4, it says, older women teach the younger women to love their husbands. And learning about intimacy is a very important part of loving our husbands.

Sex should be an area that gives both of you pleasure and strengthens your marriage, but sometimes it's an area of tension and struggle, particularly early in marriage, but not always just early. Like any other part of your life, you go through seasons, and sometimes you might just hit a roadblock that you don't expect. So I'm going to, again, I'm going to speak in generalities when I say men or women or husbands and wives, but I mean most. But unless you have evidence to the contrary, just assume that what I'm saying applies to you or your husband. Okay, I'll start with the question I get asked the most frequently is, what is a normal frequency for sex? We want to know what's normal and healthy.

Maybe you wonder if your husband is too interested in sex or not interested enough. Or maybe you have a higher or lower desire than he does and you want to know if you're abnormal. And if your libido differs from your husband's, what should you do about it? The frequency of sex will, of course, have ebbs and flows throughout a marriage. Obviously, during the earliest part of a marriage, you can expect very frequent lovemaking to take place naturally. But as life progresses and you get busier and children come along and just your body gets older, you'll need to work harder to protect that sexual oneness. That said, it doesn't have to decrease with the years. But in a happy marriage, it ought to continue to be a frequent, vital part of allowing husband and wife to stay bonded and connected.

If you are noticing more ebbs than flows, take some steps to make more time for romance and fun in the bedroom. So what's normal? I would say one to seven times a week is pretty normal. And that's going to depend on every couple. But what's a minimum? I would say a minimum should be one to two times a week. If you're not... connecting that frequently, then you want to think about why. And I'll give you some advice about that. So one thing about normal, if you think your husband is rarely or never interested in sex, that's a cause for concern. Talk to him about it. And if he's not willing to talk or if he's unable to set your mind at ease, then seek counsel. Frequent regular lovemaking helps the two of you stay connected and will knit you together more closely. It will affect your marriage in other areas, mind, heart, and soul. When you have these happy times together, you bond more strongly and become more united for the hard work that you have to do together. That means you must save some energy for your husband, for the bedroom. Try to get to bed earlier.

That may mean an earlier bedtime for your kids. If your kids are staying up and you're collapsing into bed immediately, they're probably staying up too late. Be willing to be able to get to bed early, wear a negligee, take a bath, light some candles. That's not going to happen every time, but maybe sometimes. The small things can put you in the mood. But on the other hand, be willing at times to forego all this and just make love quickly before going to sleep. As women, our desire may flag at times, but it usually doesn't for our husbands. Even when you don't feel as interested, almost certainly your husband still is, and you will be loving him and helping him maintain purity by keeping romance alive.

Sex is an area that really improves with communication. As in other types of communication in marriage, it's a skill you must work on. And it's often best worked on when you're not in the middle of it. Sometimes things that you say in the moment could be taken wrong. One exception is if saying things like, that feels really good. That will probably not be taken the wrong way. There are several hindrances to regular lovemaking, and I'll try to address some of them. Poor communication. You might miss or misread one another's overtures, or one of you might feel rejected. This is one of the areas where you need to work on communication, particularly if your husband has heard no a lot. He might stop asking, and so that's another.

area to look at. But you also might want to forestall miscommunication by coming up with like a specific phrase that you can use without others catching on about your intent for the evening. That will help you not be misunderstood, especially if you've got children around or that you don't want to know what you're saying. But That's a way you can cue each other when you want to have sex, plan for sex. And when your husband wants to have sex, make every effort to make it happen. You know, there's going to certainly be times, but don't abuse the no. You know, the no should be have a really good reason, be infrequent. Another hindrance is not prioritizing your physical relationship.

such as not going to bed at the same time as your husband, not saving time and energy for intimacy. And you have to plan to have that time and energy. Otherwise, your day can just run away with itself and you'll be exhausted. Not being in the mood. You might feel like you're not in the mood, but I encourage you to keep an open mind about what being ready for intimacy should feel like. As I said before, sometimes as women, our desire may flag, but it doesn't for our husbands. Even when you don't feel interested, your husband probably is, and you'll be loving him and helping him maintain purity by keeping romance alive. Give it a trial period of consistently communicating openness and willingness. It's a frequent occurrence as a woman not to be in the mood. But by keeping an open mind and being willing, and by both working towards sweetness and good communication, you'll probably still end up enjoying yourself, enjoying your husband, and probably sleeping better too. If you find you aren't enjoying sex, here are a few suggestions. Practice helps. Avoidance doesn't. Sex improves and your enjoyment

from it will grow as you get better at it. But just like learning anything new, you feel awkward until you gain experience. Good sex with your husband is a skill that is learned over years of practice, and you both get better with it at times. And it gets better and more fun. There's a book on the list I have called Intended for Pleasure that will help you better understand the mechanics of sex if that's an area where you feel weak. But don't be discouraged. Don't give up and think, I guess this is just the way it's going to be the rest of our lives. We don't do that in other areas of our lives. We don't say, well, I'm not a good cook. So I guess that's that. You know, I'm just going to always be a bad cook. No, we try to get better. So if it's an area that you're struggling in, Put the work into it to try to get better. You can pray about your sexual relationship and expect God to answer, as he's the creator of our bodies and the sexual relationship was his idea. Talk about sex with your husband. If you've never talked about sex, this will probably be difficult or awkward at first. But you can ask your husband what he particularly likes. Tell him what things he does that you particularly like.

Women often seem to think that their husband should know, but they don't know. And it's an area where they can feel insecure, so you don't want to put them in a position of making them think that they're doing something wrong. You want to just focus on trying to improve that skill that you are working on together. You might be able to help them by lovingly guiding his hand or saying a word or having a conversation. The book I mentioned earlier, Intended for Pleasure, might be helpful. Many couples have found it to be helpful to read the book aloud to each other in bed. It's a useful book to help overcome the awkwardness in talking to each other about your sexual relationship and in exploring your bodies.

Another thing that can be helpful is to look at your husband. You know, look at his eyes. Especially if you find yourself being distracted by your to-do list or whatever else is out there. You know, open your eyes, look at him, smile at him. Don't let your mind wander and take every thought captive. Make sure you have time and energy, that you're getting enough sleep. I mentioned before you might need to put your kids to bed earlier if that's a continual problem, or maybe depending on the ages of your kids, you can take a nap during the day. But make sure your schedule allows you to go to bed early enough for love banking. It's hard to find sex enjoyable when you're exhausted and just trying to stay awake. Make sure your expectations are realistic. Be careful that your expectations are not set by the world.

Doug Wilson in Reforming Marriage compares sex to food. God gave us a need for food and created it for nourishment and for enjoyment. He gave us a need for sex and created it for procreation and for our enjoyment. Sometimes we have a meal that's fairly mundane, like a sandwich, and sometimes we have an amazing meal, but we don't expect each meal to be better than the one before. We should have the same expectations about sex. Sometimes sex will be okay, and sometimes it will be amazing. But it's unrealistic to think that every time will be amazing or better than the last time. That's just kind of a lie of the world. So while sex with your husband should bring you satisfaction and joy, at the same time, make sure your expectations are realistic. Not every encounter will give you the same level of enjoyment.

Another hindrance could be if you find sex hurts. Sex should not hurt. There may be an instance where your husband does something that hurts or a position that's uncomfortable, but speak up and gently let him know that he's hurt you or that you're hurting. If you hurt because you're too dry, try KY Jelly. They lock it up at Walmart now. It must be out. It must be something that people steal a lot. Oh, online. You can order it online. Okay. But if you're always or frequently having pain with intercourse, then you need to speak with your gynecologist. It should not be hurting you. Let's see. Men and women are different. There are a couple of areas where men are different from most women.

And I want to discuss how that affects intimacy in marriage. Most men are visual, and most women are not, or at least not as much so. One place where this impacts men is that the visual images of women impact them, whether it's their wife, an image in a magazine, on a television or movie screen, or someone they see walking down the street or across the room. One way you can know about this, I don't know how many of you have read Love and Respect, but I think there's an example in there where when you get out of the shower and your husband's in there, his eyes are on you. When he gets out of the shower, you might be thinking about whether he's dripping all over the floor. So one place where the fact that men are visual. Oh, no.

I lost my place here. In 2 Samuel 11, 2, we read, Now when evening came, David arose from his bed and walked around on the roof of the king's house. And from the roof he saw a woman bathing, and the woman was very beautiful in appearance. Every man knows that when David saw Bathsheba, he would have been faced with some kind of temptation. Maybe the temptation to keep looking. Maybe the... temptation to dwell on sexual thoughts that came to his mind, the temptation to fantasize, or in David's case, the temptation to commit adultery, which he did not resist, and in this case led to terrible sin on his part. But don't think that if your husband is tempted, he doesn't love you if he's tempted by other women, or that you should be jealous.

It's just how men are wired. But what's important is how they resist temptation. I have a little example. My husband is a dentist and retired, but when he was practicing, women would come into the office often very scantily attired. And so he just had his staff seat them. and get that bib on them before he ever walked into the treatment room. Because that was his way to not be tempted, to fight temptation. So if your husband is talking to you about the struggles he has with temptation, but you respond with hurt or jealousy, he's probably going to learn to keep his mouth shut and not share those struggles with you. Instead, you want to be someone that, can help him with his struggles. You know, life isn't free from temptation. And this is a tough one. But it's what we do when we're tempted. You know, does your husband dwell on looking? Does he gawk? Or does he turn away? Does he push the thoughts out of his mind when they pop in or dwell on them? Is he avoiding situations where temptation is likely? Or is he fighting? And is he fighting the battle or losing the battle?

You know, if he's wanting to share with the struggle with you, you need to respond with understanding and give him the help that he asked for. As a wife, you can be sensitive and not insist on watching a movie or suggesting you go to a place that might not be a problem for you, but might be a struggle for your husband. You know, but on the other hand, don't try to be his keeper. If this is a struggle that he's... that's real for him and he's in the midst of another man makes a much better accountability partner so ask him to ask another man to be his accountability partner it doesn't work for you it doesn't work for you in any area to be an accountability partner for your husband unless you're doing some kind of little you know fitness challenge or something that hasn't few emotions and consequences around it. But if this is an area where you think your husband has fallen into sin, don't ignore it. Pornography is only a click of the finger away. And most every man is tempted by it and many have given into it. It's not the end of the world. And if you act like it is, if your husband does confess that to you, you know, again, he won't.

Make the mistake of talking to you about it again. You need to be understanding. Don't take it personally. It's not about you. But should ask him to put a filter on his computer, have a man as accountability partner. And it's important that you don't rationalize it or cover it up or make excuses if it's an ongoing problem versus a one-time. as far as you know, a one-time deal. And on the other hand, don't be constantly suspicious or worrying just because you know your husband is tempted if he hasn't given you any reason to worry. In fact, you should be encouraged when he shares your struggles with you and the ways he fights the temptations.

I mentioned earlier that generally men are more visual and women don't tend to be, but it's not true of all women. Pornography can become a temptation, particularly for women who are more visual, but sexual sin is something that can be a temptation for any woman. So if that's a struggle for you, contact one of the pastors or elders' wives for help in the same way that if it's a battle you think your husband's losing. you should be also contacting one of the pastors or elders' wives to talk about. It's not anything that's healthy at any time. Okay, moving on. Because men are generally visual, your appearance is important to your husband. This does not mean that your husband expects you to look like a model or a beauty queen, but he does want you to care about your appearance and make an effort for him.

One of the, I think I talked about this earlier, but one of the mistakes some women make is spend all their budget and energy dressing their kids, leaving nothing for their own wardrobe or hair or skin care. Another mistake is to dress or use makeup or style your hair for other women, you know, when they go out for girls with their girlfriends, but not for their husbands. Another is to get cleaned up only when we're going out of the house. Your husband cares about that. He wants you to look your best. Don't neglect your undergarments and your nightgowns. Might seem frivolous to you, but your husband will appreciate it. Many husbands are reluctant to say anything at all negative to their wives about their appearance because they learned early on in life this is a sensitive area for women. You know, if this is an area you feel you might need help in, First, ask your husband for some input. Ask him to tell you his favorite outfits that you wear. Ask him if there's anything you wear that he really doesn't like. And you can ask the same with other aspects of your appearance. You know, your favorite way I've worn my hair, etc. If you don't get any helpful information, which you might not.

Or if you feel like you still need more help, find someone in the church or in this room that you feel is honoring her husband with her appearance and ask for help. On the other hand, maybe your husband is telling you positive things and you're reluctant to believe him. You need to believe him when he tells you you're beautiful. We can become too self-critical. But remember, husbands are wired to appreciate women's bodies. They're not looking for the kind of perfection that we might be looking for in ourselves. They are appreciating the womanly form God gave you and made them to love. You know, they love your breasts. They love your hips. They love your body. And last, make sure you're keeping your body, including your private areas, clean. I found some women learn they shouldn't touch their private areas, but that doesn't apply to cleaning. You need to wash well and get in between all those folds.

And a little about your bed and bedroom. You should also be keeping your sheets washed and your bedroom clean. Your children shouldn't be sleeping with you. And you should teach them to knock on the door before they enter your bedroom. These might be habits that your kids already have some bad habits you might need to break. But you need to know that your bedroom is a safe place for sex. Most men, okay, the other generality about men is most men want and need more sex than women. The physical need for men is very important, but it's also important to men on an emotional level. Think about how you would feel if your husband only listened to you when he was in the mood. That's how your husband feels when you only have sex with him when you're in the mood.

I mean, he often probably doesn't want to listen to you. I expect my husband often doesn't want to listen to me. But he does. And think how hurtful that would be. Also think about how you feel when your husband only goes through the motions of listening to you. He's there, but he's not really listening. Well, that's how he feels when you're only going through them emotions. of sex and you're not really engaged and trying. And also think about how you feel when you have to initiate every conversation with your husband. It's probably how he feels when you never initiate sex with him. When a husband refuses to talk, his wife feels that he does not love her or care about that need she has for closeness. But when a wife refuses to have sex with her husband, her husband feels that she does not respect him.

or care for him, or care about his needs. Making love with you relieves your husband's stress, makes him feel loved and respected, soothes his loneliness, and gives him confidence to go out and face the world. When you don't make sex a priority in your marriage, you're often saying no to the very thing your husband wants you to make the highest priority. It's easy to spend your days meeting other people's needs, tending to the house, children, job, other activities, and leaving no time for lovemaking. Since intimacy is charged with emotion and your husband feels rejected when you say no or just aren't available, it often becomes an area of continuing discontent rather than a problem that's discussed and resolved. Proverbs 5, 18-19 says, Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth.

In 1 Corinthians 7, 5, Paul gives this warning. Stop depriving one another except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. Both these passages are a reminder that Satan will attack when sexual needs are not being met, and it's particularly true for men. So that's all I have in this section. We've got some more questions, I think, that we'll be answering later on all these topics. And with that, we've separated the questions out to two categories. So we're going to have communication. and sex so the first category we're going to talk about is communication so ladies our first questions i'm actually going to combine two questions are um how can i ask my husband to spend more time with me and the kids how can i think in a godly way about all the time he spends on hobbies church or work um and then the second part is my husband and i have very little quality time to spend together and he doesn't have the time or desire to plan date nights

I know it's a season of life thing, but I also worry I'm the only one who feels the burden on our relationship. How can I help make more time for us instead of complaining about it? Alright, I am answering this question. So, my first thought about this is that you and your husband both have to prioritize time together and be intentional in order for it to happen. You probably remember. Most of you probably remember because it wasn't that long ago when you were dating and you both probably wanted to be together every second you weren't together. But now that you're married, marriage is maturing your relationship, which is a good thing, but it means you have to work at it more. But it doesn't mean you don't have enough time.

And Shannon gave a lot of helpful tips about time and thinking about time and prioritizing. The other thing with remembering that men do have the responsibility to work and provide for their families. And if your husband is someone who works very long hours or spends a lot of time on work, Don't become exempt from that. Be thankful. Thank him that he is a hard worker. But it is important for him also to prioritize family. So evaluate your thoughts. Is he really spending too much time? And maybe he is spending too much time working. And so remember that that is something he has to do. But it is appropriate.

If it does seem like he's not spending enough time with you and or your children, ask him to make time for it. Don't be accusatory. Show him how much happier everyone is when he does make time for the kids. If this is something you've already asked, if you've asked your husband to spend more time with the family and he's still unwilling, Always remember, if you've said it, he knows what you think. So don't nag. Pray about it. The best antidote to nagging is praying. And don't lose faith that it doesn't work. Prayer really does change people. And the whole thing with date nights, don't oversink date nights. It can be simple. You can just talk.

Any communication you can have is important. So if you can't go out or go do something you want to do, making time to talk, maybe making a point of putting kids to bed earlier so that you can have more time to talk, do something special, make his favorite dessert. It doesn't have to be hard. Make a date happen and make it feel like a date. Little things can go a long way in helping you feel more connected and feel like you have more time together. And then your own expectations. Do you need to adjust your expectations? If your husband is someone who brings work home with him, maybe you can be helpful somehow. Maybe you can do something. It depends what your husband does. But if you can help in any way, see how you can help with work.

And then the question also addresses hobbies and church. If you feel like your husband is serving a lot in the church, serve with him, which I think a lot of you do that already, but be willing to be alongside and to do the work with him. It's still time together, and when you're investing in something together, you're much less likely to resent the time he spends doing it. Hobbies, yours and his, should be a lesser priority than... family, work, and church activities. But there are still things we do and we like, and they make us happy, and that's good. And so can you enter into your husband's hobbies instead of just catering the time it takes away from you and your kids? Watching sports, showing interest in what he does can go a long way in just uniting each other.

The last thing, man, I feel like this was a long answer that I wrote. The last thing I was thinking with this is, is your husband comfortable in your home? It's an important thing to think about. Do you correct and criticize his interactions with your kids? He's definitely going to be less willing to spend time with the kids if he can't do anything right. Or if you're always like, oh, why are you doing that? Let it go. He's not going to do everything the way you do. And some men can be really uncertain and insecure with young children or with babies. And so the more you say or criticize, the harder it's going to be for them to want to participate in whatever he's done with them, especially little kids. So, yeah, so just consider.

is what you're doing does he settle into his work or hobbies and seem to distance himself because you have made him to feel inadequate somehow as a father or thank you the next question is Often, my husband disciplines totally differently than I do for different offenses, more harshly, etc. How can we be on the same page? How can I help him when I feel like I understand the kids better since I'm with them all day? I'll answer that question. It's a good thing that your husband disciplines differently and he has eyes to see differently. It's kind of in two parts of this question is how can we be on the same page and conversation, conversation, conversation, conversation is just the short of the answer. Just lots of interaction and English to be on the same page. There had to be intentionality there. Figuring out what expectations are set for the household. What does...

What does he expect? What does he want for you to implement during the day? Think about Ephesians 6.1. We teach our children to recite. Children, obey your parents. No, Lauren, it's parents. It's not just mom or just dad, but God created you as a unit, as a husband and wife, family, to be able to raise his children together. We're saying a lot of the same things tonight in terms of submitting to our husbands, thinking about what priorities they have, what behaviors they want you to work on, and then follow through with that. But I think tricading it down to just a very narrow perspective. Not narrow perspective, but...

A small perspective, a focused perspective is much better than having like 20 things to do and each one has 10 items. And so there is a little repetitiveness here, but it's really it's us submitting ourselves before God and then to our husbands. And that is a lifelong work that we have is to learn what it means to be submissive and how to be content. in our hearts with that work as well so um so even if you're if your husband is uh disciplining your one-year-old and you don't agree practice now respecting them and to submitting to that because it takes like i said it takes practice and it takes time um in order to to learn that and he um so how can i help when uh how can i help when i understand the kids better And I kind of went into this a little bit, and that is your husband has a different perspective, and you need that perspective, as well as he needs yours. And so both of you are coming at it from different lenses, telling how to come to us different eyes, and so together you'll be better parents and raise your children in a godly way if you're listening to one another.

And so even if your child, like I said, is one or younger or just if your husband is disciplining them for some behavior that you don't understand, ask your husband later. That doesn't mean that you can't speak up, but not in front of the children that undermines their authority. And so particularly with sons. Most of you have very young children, so you haven't gotten to the age yet where your husband says something to your maybe middle school son, and you're thinking, well, why are you talking to him like that? And it's because he comes from an understanding that we don't have. And so let's see. Hebrews 12, 9, a lot of verses talk about the father's discipline.

Hebrews 12, 9, Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them. And so wives will respect them when they discipline because we feel secure and that they're engaged and protecting us. And also the children will respect them when they discipline them as well. And moms just in general have this inherent tendency to think that we can join on our own, like that we don't really need dads. And that's a lie. And I can tell you it's a lie. Don't believe that. And so anyway, we need them and our children do too. Thank you, Wendy. Ever since having a baby, my husband and I get out of sync with our expectations so much more than we used to.

I struggle to get my husband to specify what he actually expects of me on a daily basis, and I in turn feel like my work at home isn't worthwhile. I'm a pot calling the kettle black because I do the same thing to him. How can we have productive conversations about our expectations? That's me. We didn't plan this. No. It's worked out so far. Okay. First, you know, it's a... I mentioned before, it's a lie in the world that your work at home is not worthwhile. And don't think that your husband's work is all glamour and plodding in your husband. It doesn't matter what job he's in. There's parts of it that are just rubbery. You know, whether it's the paperwork or some tasks he has to do, that's just part of the call.

But some work is a cunt. But God values you as a worker at home. Homemaking allows you to provide a welcoming place for living life, for nurturing your children, for developing your relationships, and showing us the talent. Ask God to give you joy in the work if you are not having joy in the work. In terms of what your husband expects for you on a daily basis, I think I talked about this before too, you know, it's your job to manage the home and care for your children. If you think he's not giving you enough information, ask him, you know, what are the one or two most important things that I get done in a day? You know, what are the most important things to you? Don't say, what do I need to do?

If you have children, you probably can't do everything in the home that you couldn't before. And you do want to leave your husband's priorities. But do that in a macro way, not a micro way. Don't expect him to micromanage your work at home. And then when he does give you those priorities, figure out how you're going to honor them. It's going to be different for every husband. what those priorities are. And again, if you're struggling with your homemaking, the resources that are on your, hopefully you all have the resource sheet now, are very helpful. And if you need help just getting the basics done, you know, getting your dishes done, getting your laundry done, there's another book called How to Manage Your House Without Losing Your Mind. That's also on the list.

Very helpful. She's a hairy, she's funny and direct. And she's gone through it. She had to learn the hard way. Okay, then we talked about expectations. As for your expectations for your husband, that's a tricky question. God's put your husband in charge of your household. So your expectations need to fit into the order of your husband as the leader. If you're speaking about what's going to be done about the house, that's certainly a conversation you could have. But it's not a conversation where you are saying, I'm expecting you to help with the vacuuming or I'm expecting you to do the dishes. That's not how it works in a Christian family. But you can have a general conversation of all the work that needs to be done.

have a conversation about the work that's hard for you to get done, you know, and try to figure out together how that's all going to get done. But in the end, it's up to you to submit to him, not to attend to our expectations. And I don't know, this is, like we said before, we don't know the particular details, so we're just guessing here on some of this. What that means, expectations. If it's expectations about time with the children or time with you, you know, these are things you can pray about and make respectful requests. But, again, you're not to be communicating along the lines of what you expect. What you can expect is that your husband is going to provide for your family, that he'll treat you with love.

that he'll be courteous and considerate, and that he'll lead your family. And when he fails, this is when you still need to learn how to have respectful conversations about it or overlook it. Many times the best thing to do is overlook. But also to pray and, you know, it may come to a point where you need counseling if you just get too worried that you... things that need to be said. Okay. I think this next question is also for you. Do you have any suggestions on ways my husband and I can better connect at the end of the day? Once our kids are in bed, we both feel drained and we get ourselves stuck in these ruts where we don't talk much. Okay. Again, I don't know the ages of the children in this particular question, but I'm sure it's a question that all of you have or many of you have.

You aren't going to find the time to connect with your husband until you purposely build it into your routine. You need to plan a time. You need to train your children to give you the time to respect you. I mean, one thing that I see often is that children interrupt and teaching your kids not to interrupt so you can actually have a conversation, even if it's a five-minute conversation. The kids need to learn that when you're talking, they're not to interrupt. Look at what time you're getting the kids to bed. John Piper, when talking about this very issue, once suggested training your children to go to bed at 7.30. Not saying 7.30 is the correct time, but it might be that the bedtime is too late. And I realized...

To have babies, sometimes you have to have a thing, but you can still get the rest of the kids to bed. Don't have them up so late that you're just collapsing into bed as soon as they do. Now, are there any tasks that you're doing in the evening that could be done earlier in the day that don't have to wait for that time between dinner and bedtime? Are you having late dinners? and maybe it would help to move dinner earlier so that the whole evening routine can happen earlier. From an early age, you can train your children to spend some quiet time on their own. That might be quietly playing with a toy, listening to an audio book, reading, or you might find a time before or after dinner where you have a routine where your kids have this quiet time and you and the husband can just sit together and talk.

And it's good, I mean, it's just good to teach your kids to, there's lots of situations where they just need to be quiet and entertain themselves. You can look for other ideas, like having a family walk together or going to a playground where you and your husband can talk as you're keeping an eye on the kids. Doesn't mean they aren't there. Oh, I guess I took this NLF thing here. Training your kids that you're not to interrupt, except for an emergency. We had a situation in our church where the child was so trained not to interrupt that he didn't interrupt to say the bars. You've got to train them when an emergency is.

Okay. And adjust your expectation. Maybe you can only plan a short time on a daily basis, but you can have a date night. Or this could be something as simple as feeding the kids early before your husband gets home so that they can go to bed earlier and then you and your husband can have a nice dinner by yourself while the kids are down or having a quiet time. If you can, get a sitter or trade sitters so that you and another couple can be able to trade your babysitting. How can I be respectful when I feel like my husband wastes a lot of time on his phone and other worthless things? Me too. First, God's command for us is to respect our husband.

God's command for us to respect our husband is unconditional. It doesn't say, I'm only going to respect my husband when he behaves. We need to remember that God's love for us doesn't depend on our behavior. If it did, we would all be in trouble. And in the same way, all the commands to love, to honor, respect, they aren't based on earning that. It's based on... You are married to someone created in God's image that God has joined you with and has commanded you to. Then, if you feel your husband waste a lot of time on worthless things, don't nag. He knows what you think. It's not going to help. But you might ask him for a specific thing. For example, will you play with the kids while I finish dinner?

Or can we take a walk together after dinner? Or you could ask him to read a Bible story to the kids. You can ask for specific things. He might be on his phone or doing something that you don't think is important, but he might respond better to a direct request for a smooth thing. You could ask that, can we make the dinner table a no-phone zone? There's just things like that. Look for little things to ask, but don't keep nagging and pray. Just pray about it. Many of these things, you need to work on what you can control, and you cannot control your husband. So think about the other thing that you need to work on is attitude. Adjust your attitude to...

Not being angry or frustrated. And just understand that this was part of your life right now. And be patient. I help encourage my husband to think about slash plan for the future without nagging him about it. Thinking about long-term goals. Okay. This is me again. So, as with a lot of beings, if you're worried about nagging. then we have to assume that your husband knows what you think. But just be aware. If you haven't actually had the conversation, bringing it up the first time is not nagging. But continuing to bring it up is nagging. Anyways, if there are specific areas or goals that you've asked him about, specific things, Like, have you thought about this? Or what are we going to do with this? And if you've brought it up once and he's never brought it up to you again, he's never followed up, like, I was thinking about this. It is possible to initiate that conversation again, respectfully, without nagging. And it is possible that he's been thinking about it. Sometimes...

and then start thinking about it, but they're not necessarily going to walk you through their whole processing of them thinking about it. So assume the best that he's heard you and that he will think about it. Be respectful, be patient. And then keep in mind, if you are young, which most of us here are young and very newly married, and you're married to a young man, we're going to define that as particularly being in their 20s, which many of you fall into that category. He is responsible. He is responsible before God to lead and plan for your future, but he may still be figuring out what that means and what that looks like. You have to give him space to grow as a man.

encourage him in how he is leading well um don't give in to comparing him particularly if you particularly if you have a perspective of your father as a man whom you respected and looked up to because you you see your father as someone who is good leads their family makes everyone feel secure just consider that your perspective of your father that you have, whatever it is, especially if it's positive, is probably not how he started out in marriage. So just remember, be patient. Give your husband some space to grow. You can still give him wisdom. And then the last thing is don't give in to worry. We're definitely more, as women, we're more prone to worry about the future and the unknown.

And don't worry. Seek God in prayer and trust your husband. How do I know when we should consider getting counseling? There's a lot of little things we've just put off dealing with because we're in a busy season, but we've been in that season for a long time. That would be mean. So short, busy seasons are like moving, having a baby, sickness, maybe like a big project at work or finals or something. So those times necessitate like having forbearance for one another or bearing with one another. And if the season is actually life, then it's a different answer. And so just been married for almost 30 years. And so I can tell you that putting off.

disagreements and unresolved conflicts is for a long periods of time are not helpful um what i would do is i would basically have three month cycles and where like we would talk about something and then it would be unresolved and i would you know think i'd be okay with it and then i asked you about it and then Pretty much when the three months was up, I was just this explosion of, yeah, this is bothering me again. It's not resolved. That's not good. And so it's hard to find time. It's hard to work together in conflict, especially if you don't like conflict. But it really is helpful, and it does.

cause for bear fruit for me and your relationship so um so the so there's kind of two things here or is it unresolved conflict that's just under the surface and under the rug that's that's not being handled and if that's the case um ephesians 4 warns us against having unresolved conflict and giving the devil opportunity and so my recommendations and that would be just pray Pray that God would give you humility to see your own sin and your need of change. Then two would be choose your timing. You can say to your husband, honey, you know, I've got a few things I want to talk about. Can you let me know when we can talk about them? You can prompt him. Now, my husband, when I say that, he immediately wants to handle it. He's like, okay, what is it? Whatever you need to talk about.

And so maybe that's your husband, so again, you have to back up in thinking about your timing before you even say that. But it could be that your husband just wants to know, like, okay, for a day, or when he comes home from work that day, and he'll be ready to talk. So you know your husband, but just choosing your timing in that. And then three would be humbly voicing your concern instead of the, so if you're like me, sometimes. sometimes you play things situations in your head out and you have already like accused and convicted your husband of whatever it is sometimes that might happen and so you might just want to just say you always do this or you never do that or I'm the one who's here doing this not the other why don't you take clean the garage whatever take out the trash and so just think about how you can humbly go before him and talk to them and just share your concern without accusations and don't assume that he knows what's bothering you or that he's just ignoring you or that he's he doesn't care about whatever that's bothering you because really they do not read minds and they don't understand and oftentimes though when we bring things up

We can be comforted, or we can actually be just rebuked and just said, no, your thinking is not right. That's also helpful. Sometimes it's just helpful to get it out, but we don't want to be accusatory in our tone or our words. And so take responsibility for addressing your own heart. And then once he's spoken with you, trust his counsel. And sometimes that means that there has been resolve and that you can move forward. Sometimes we think we need more resolve, more conversation, more processing. So pray and just trust that he has given an answer. Another way that we can help our husbands in this is that Sometimes we communicate something and they don't give us an answer right away. And so we're left with whatever our thoughts are. He doesn't care. It's not important. Whatever. Some husbands just need more processing time than others. And so my husband being one of those. And so what I have found is if he's quiet and I responded, I'll ask.

Are you still thinking about that? Would you be able to give me the answer later instead of just assuming that he's not listening to me? So kind of think about your husband in that way. If you have a husband that are processors, they just really need some more time. And to be able to have that communication for even him to say, I need some time to think about it, and I'll get back with you. Instead of that awkward silence. And if you just can't resolve the conflicts, then ask to seek counsel for sure. So the other option would be if you're in a busy season, a short busy season, and it's just a matter of you're trying to stay connected, like you don't really have major disagreements at this point, but that you're just kind of paralleling because you're both so busy and trying to do different things. My suggestion would be to woo your husband.

Like Janet was talking about earlier in your earlier relationship, you need a high priority in staying connected. And so leaving him a note or putting him a note in his lunchbox or putting a sticky note in his steering wheel when he gets in the car in the morning, just praying for you, hoping you have a good day, writing him an email, sharing your day. I don't know. Used to be we would write notes, but email, text, but I don't know. But just some form of communication. At least you can say, you know, hey, the kids and I went to the zoo today, and Johnny's walking now, or I don't know, whatever. That would be a long distance. Period. If he didn't know, that was close. But just be intentional about staying connected.

What advice would you give for building the marriage relationship when couples are busy raising a bunch of kids so that there's still a strong relationship when the kids are grown and gone? Hey, I'm probably the only one in the room. Hey, all their kids are grown and gone. So I'm going to answer that one. This one I got, I asked my husband, too. He gave me some input on this. He didn't say this one, but he probably assumed I would. First, don't neglect physical intimacy. That's a theme. Make sure you're not undermining your husband's authority in your home and that your husband and your children know you respect him. This will go a long way in keeping your marriage strong. It will also go a long way for your children. It just has impact on you. If you have a strong marriage, it's all helpful to them.

Next, make sure you're doing things together. This doesn't need to be only things that two of you do by yourselves. You can also do activities with the family. There are things that you both enjoy and that you can do later when you're nesting. And think of people, at least, that are living in your home. So outdoor things like taking walks, biking, hiking, canyoning, the tennis, fishing, sailing, playing games together, cooking together. And it might just be, you know, once a month you do make pizza where everybody helps. But it's getting, if your husband isn't ever in the kitchen, that's a way to get him in the kitchen. My husband did not really help with much with cooking except for something like that when he was working. But now that he's retired, we spend more time, we cook together quite a bit on making music together.

Gardening together. Learning something new together. Or reading books aloud. That's something we still do. Time, at least weekly, for you and your husband to talk together, to catch up with each other. Ask his advice. Discuss, you know, family decisions, DNA, and growing to the future. Have date nights. You can manage it. Weekly is great. But try not to go longer than a month. And if you start by once a month, you might find that you drink so much that you're not planning to do it more often. That's a time for you and your husband to do something together that you both enjoy. If you possibly can, hire a sitter or arrange sleepovers for your kids or trade with another couple. Probably most of you don't have children old enough to sit.

for the younger ones, but there is a stage in life when your older children can watch the younger ones. If you can possibly manage it, have at least a night or two away without the kids at least once a year. Now, if you don't have somebody that can stay with your kids, you arrange sleepovers and then return the favor so another couple can do the same thing. I know, at least at our church, so many people don't have any family, or a count of mostly people who aren't from there. But I've watched people, I mean, even now, I've watched people stint so they can spend a night somewhere by themselves, or a night or two. Take an interest in things your husband likes to do.

You know, if he likes to watch baseball, learn a little bit about it so you can watch it with him and understand what's going on. You might start by just sitting down with him for the last 15 minutes or the last quarter of a once-in-quarters. But the end means... always more exciting. If it's something you don't like, the ending is either, you know, one team has run away with it, but a lot of times the ending is more exciting, you know, especially if your husband is rooting for, you know, find out who he's rooting for. Well, unless you have a little competition going and you both are interested, then you might. Learn the things he likes. If he likes to fish or hunt or golf or something, learn enough about it so at least you can appreciate his successes. You want to be able to be excited with him when he's had a good time doing that.

Those may or may not be fake. This is one of my husband's additions. Those may or may not be things he would like to do with you. But you can ask him. He has no interest in these own kind of women. Or learning to play golf. Sometimes fantasy activities they can do with their body. So there's some suggestions. When my husband is stressed with work and other responsibilities, he can be short or impatient with me or the kids. Do you have a suggestion for how I can help him through those times graciously? That's me again. Okay, one thing you can do is you can ask him what is helpful for him when he gets home to transition from the work day and what helps him decompress. You know, does he need some quiet time?

I know a couple where the husband needed a little more time to recover from the day, and they were in a small apartment at the time. So Mom trained the children that while she was finishing up dinner, and maybe for the first 20 minutes or so when Dad got home, that the kids were doing something quiet. They were either with them reading a book or listening to an audiobook or playing with a puzzle or a coloring book or something. Sometimes older kids can read to the other ones. So they were all engaged in a quiet activity when Dad got home, and they called out a quick greeting. But he had that 20, 30 minutes until dinner was ready where he could just go off by himself if he needed to, go outside. My husband used to come home and fish for, like, 30 minutes.

pond, fishing pond. And he had a pretty stressful job. I think I told you he was a dentist. So you're working on people who do not want to pee there. Many of them are afraid. You can relate to this. And they're worried about the scandal, running behind people out in the rain. It's just a very stressful job. And he needed that decompression time to just chill out and do something he enjoys. Or maybe your husband's starving when he walks in the door, and he needs his food to feed him. Or you might need physical activity, especially if he has a desk job. So maybe you can already sense what he needs, but you might need to ask him. And if he doesn't know, you might need to watch and try to figure it out. Look at what times go better when these are stressful. That's it.

See if you can work that into your schedule. I hate to say, don't shorten your answers, but you push it along a little bit. I'm going to keep going, though. When a husband is very busy with the work of the church and has limited time to spend with his wife and kids, what's the best way to help the kids take away lessons about the importance of loving the church and not lessons about work being more important than family? I'm going to swish this question. How do you help your kids see their dad serving the church and learn that that's important versus learning that dad cares more about working at church than being with us? Is that help? The best way to teach kids the importance of loving God's church is to bring them into the work as much as possible, obviously.

So bring them into the work as much as you can. If the kids can be around when you're doing something to serve the church or serving people in the church, make it fun and bring them into it. Give them responsibility somehow. This has to be built on a foundation of children being taught that as a Christian, your relationship to God is most important. And loving and serving the church is a way that you love God. So there's a whole foundation of teaching that is built into this and showing your kids that this is what we do because we are Christians. So we love God. We love the church. And it's happy. It's work that's good. Your attitude, positive or negative, will hugely impact your children's perspective.

If we have a good attitude, if the way you speak about your husband. My husband's a pastor, so this is my life. Like, I can't ever be like, oh, dad has to be gone again because he has another meeting at church. Like, if I say it like that, they're going to start understanding. Like, oh, this doesn't make him happy. But just the way you say it, like, yeah, dad has a meeting. Like, have a happy attitude. and he's serving God, and this is a good thing because we love God. That's a priority in our families. However, if it really is, there is, my husband did say that he does think that women, wives, have a better pulse often of what is pulling their husbands away from their family. So if it does seem like your husband is being pulled away, Too much. He's not giving enough time to the family. It is something that's worth bringing up and talking about. So, that's it. How do I, how, how, okay. I'm struggling to read this question. I think there's a missing word. How do I encourage my husband in devotions, family and personal, without sounding nagging? I'll try to give a short answer. I'm guessing your husband already knows what you think. But if not, you can make a respectful request.

You know, that you have a time of family devotions. Maybe start out by asking once a week. You don't have to start out big. You can start out little. Or just reading a little scripture at dinner time. Just do baby steps and ask for baby steps. And if he's receptive, ask him what time would work best. If he's not receptive to devotions, or if he already knows what you think, don't keep nagging. You just need to pray about it and turn it over to God. And you can still have devotions with your children. Most of us have time with children that when husbands are gone, you can still have devotions with your children and just keep praying that he will add them.

lead in that area at some point. Also consider that when he does devotions, don't criticize him. Don't criticize him that it's too short or anything, you know, when you want to praise him and give him encouragement because it's easy. Leading is hard. It's a big responsibility. I'm very often glad I am that believer of the family. and then to be criticized when you are trying to do your best is very disheartening. I'm struggling to communicate with my husband on long-term priorities for our family and skills I should grow in. He has different opinions on things, and I can be resentful of that. I do think some things should be priorities, and I'm struggling to submit. Any tips? That would be me.

God made husbands heads of households, and therefore, as wives, we are aligning ourselves with their priorities. And so it's a matter of heart for most women. We have ideas of things that we want to do, and this is the way that God is sanctifying us by submitting to our heads. So I would encourage you just to... Thank God for the provision and for the skills that you are learning and your husband's asking you to do and then being able to bless your family and the church with those and just the opportunity to cultivate and to mend. With disagreement on how many children to have, how do I know what's selfishness and sin? Hey, this is an interesting question. So, at least in...

In my church, I'm not going to speak for you, but I imagine it's the same. The number of children in birth control are an area that we agree to disagree on. Some have a conviction that we should not interfere in any way or use any method of birth control. Others believe that as long as we use methods of birth control that prevent conception, that's okay. This is a decision for you and your husband to discuss, but ultimately, You need to submit to your husband. And if it's just on your heart and you just can't be settled about it, even act contrary and talk to your husband, that's a good area to seek counsel from your pastors and elders and their wives on the circumstantial and reasons. And don't assume you know what they'll say. Then plot one right answer.

And even for the rest of your marriage, there's not one right answer. It's a hard one. There's often just a dream that you ultimately have to trust God. He is giving you life and feeling good, and you need to trust him. Do you think they have your laborless question, basically? Yeah, it pretty much included what I had said about it, too. Okay, perfect. Is it wrong to want my husband to engage with the kids when he gets home at the end of the day? I worry it's expecting too much since he did spend the day at work, but I also want and sometimes need the quote-unquote break. It's not wrong for you to want your husband to engage, for sure.

I would ask, would respond with a question. Is it a motive for you or is it a motive for your children? Like, is it that you want the break or is that you don't want your husband to engage? Both of them are not unreasonable. So if you're, if you need a break and it's on an occasion, then open the communication and ask, you know, can you. I'm having a hard moment or I just need a minute to regroup. Can you watch the, you know, whatever the child's name is? And that's okay. Just, we're not expecting your husband to seem like we're making dinner. He's, you know, he's watching the kids while we can do something that it's a, it's a little inappropriate expectation. And so.

but i think as mom was saying earlier you can ask your husband about transitions and kind of try to figure out what um how he can and then in my life some things to go i don't know yeah so think thinking about that too and maybe it's your prepping dinner beforehand um so that you are uh can be available, kind of ask daily. Sometimes husbands don't know what to do, especially with younger children. And so asking them to, you know, will you read Johnny a book or will you take him outside and swing or whatever? That's helpful too. And it just sometimes ebbs and flows. And sometimes husbands are tired, just like we're tired. But I think just having that open communication.

How can I best encourage my husband when he voices that he feels like he has too much on his plate? Okay, yeah. And I think one of the best ways to encourage your husband is just listen. Often he just wants a sympathetic ear. He wants, or maybe he just wants to vent a little bit. Or he may want to talk loud as a way of thinking things through. He probably does not want you to tell him that he made some bad decisions about. what he took on, and that's why he's got too much to do. Another way to help is to see if there are some things you can actually offer assistance with, you know, to free him up a bit. You know, if you have older children, maybe there's some things they can do, some chores they can take on. But don't feel afraid if we don't take up your offer to help them.

Another idea is to just give them words of encouragement. Things like, I have confidence that you're going to be able to figure this out. Or someone how thankful you are that he works hard in so many ways. Okay, these last few questions are moving into the category of sex, and I'm going to combine the first two questions. The first one is, how can I get in the mood for sex when I'm exhausted from having a new baby? And the second question is, how can I be a better wife who is ready to engage my husband both physically and emotionally when I feel drained and stretched thin after hard days of child rearing? Okay, this is mine. And I do think Janet talked about a lot of the things I thought of with this question, similar to trying not to rehash everything that she said in her talk already.

What I have learned about myself, which I assume I'm not completely abnormal, is that when I have a newborn, and really throughout the time that I'm nursing a baby, my desire for sex is way lower than not. If you think about how many kids I have and how close together they are, you're like, wait, how does that even work? Okay, there is reality to that. That is real life. But I'm sure exhaustion, shifting hormones. contribute to lower desire for sex like and and I also think I have no scientific evidence for this but I tend to think that God it's part of his design of women is that um when our children are babies and so dependent on us like there are things there's lots of sacrifices that we make they're like things that we desire different pleasures and so anyways Sex is definitely not a super high priority for me when I have a brand new baby or I'm nursing a baby. But I'm not going to read the whole passage again because I had the passage in 1 Corinthians 7, 3-5 that Janet read in her talk about not depriving one another. Husband has his duty to the wife. The wife has a duty to her husband. They have authority over each other's bodies.

Don't deprive one another. The danger is that Satan will tempt you. And so the soul of your husband and your own soul are on the line just because you don't feel like doing it. Like it's a bigger thing than that is what I'm saying. It's a bigger deal. Okay, what can you do? If you're exhausted, you have to get rest somehow. And I know. I know, when you have lots of little kids, it can be hard. But if it's a priority, you can make it happen. You can take a nap, even if it's really short. And it's really funny to hear myself say this because I'm really bad at this, but I do know that rest is important. And actual sleep doesn't always fit into my life, but resting can happen. I can rest. I can take a slower afternoon.

I cannot be on top of every chore that needs to happen and decide that it's going to be more important for me to rest so that I have time to be with my husband at night. And then part of this is unloading things from your responsibility list, which involves training your children to actually be helpful, to actually do work. And I know a lot of you still have just babies, but it's good to just remember that training them is going to help you manage time. which Janet had talked about, training them to really help. One-year-olds can pick up toys. It's a thing. You don't have to pick up the toys. You shouldn't pick up the toys. Your kids can do that. But just think about different ways that you don't have to be physically active and getting tired doing things. Do not view your husband.

as just another drain on your limited resources, especially when it comes to sex. It's not like you can't approach it with like, ah, it's just another person who needs something else from me. Child rearing, particularly when kids are young, is physically and emotionally draining. Your relationship with your husband, including sex, should not be. Should not be draining. You both need it. to manage the stress and difficulties in the day. Another practical thing is, if it's overwhelming to, like, be ready every day, pick a day. Be like, okay, Tuesday and Thursday, and I'm going to make sure that I'm really ready. And maybe that means, I mean, okay, you married the man, so there are things you like about him.

Fill your mind with those things. Don't dwell on whatever's bothering you or the disagreements you're having. Remember when you were dating and you would, like, just bring up those memories throughout the day. This is how it starts. Get yourself in the, like, that is how you get in the mood. Remember those things. And anyways, like I said, every day is hard. It's hard to just, like, be ready every day. But you can. Take steps and be ready sometimes. Can I add two more practicals to the atlas? Because it is a hard, you know, it's probably the meat of some of what's going on tonight is we're talking about the stuff that is advertised everywhere, but it's not biblical in summation. So I think during our life as well, lots of the ones shifting one time of day is another option. You can become one.

There are other times. Yeah. I mean, even asking your husband, depending on his career and stuff or his job, you know, ask him if there is a more flexible part of the day. So that's a practical one. And then that is a good one. I was going to say that, and then it didn't make it in my list. Yes. It doesn't just cut to the nighttime. Yeah. So while you're thinking, I'll end up one thing, going back to scheduling it. And when you schedule it, tell your husband, you know, and then you're both thinking about it, and you're more ready. And that's fun for them, too. I deleted it. This one's a little less concrete. But there's an oven flow where it's like...

Like the adage is, women give love for sex. And this is a very pagan concept. And men give sex the love. But there is still some truth to that. Like Janet talked about, sometimes it's just like, you want the duty side, you start with that, and then your heart follows, and then your emotions follow. I think in those little years in our family, that was a discipline when I finally started believing that and just saying, just try yeah mine does not fit and i mean that works and changed me and that it addressed my selfishness and also my disbelief that i could find strength and no so that was a long season that took years for me to even understand and that doesn't mean you're just combining it's either one who's like you know sometimes you're going with to say to your husband can we talk very strictly with gay and I do whatever it helps me. But let that and say, what if I decide I'm in a trust that God will provide and then just move forward. And I really think that's a huge thing with these warriors, with these kids close together. No. I don't need a trust guide for that. Nope. I do totally agree with that. Like I've already seen, I've already seen. I know.

I've had people tell me, like, I didn't even find time to have more kids. Like, you know what? It's not good. Well, yeah, I don't mean to ruin everything. I just mean, like, with the legal dress, you're epic, too. Thank you, ladies. Oh, she had one more point. Can you get two? Oh, that's number five. Oh. I mean, it is. It does go along with what Vanessa was just saying, that sometimes, even when you are very tired, sometimes you might just have to say, okay, I'm going to give it everything for 10 minutes. And realistically, it doesn't take them that long. So, like, just do it and give it your all for 10 minutes. And maybe talk to them.

The next question is, I don't openly communicate my needs during intimacy because it seems too critical, but then I often find myself disappointed. I also feel like when I do communicate with my husband, what I say is not always received. How can I be more open? That's Nina. I think just remembering that sex is a guilt that God has given to both husbands and wives is helpful and that we are the gardens and our husbands are the garden keepers. We talked a little earlier about Song of Solomon. You can read that too with your husband. It's very intimate. Read that aloud in bed. But just it's very...

the bride is speaking to some woman and just like talking about her fragrance and like it's anyway it's very sweet um and so uh communication is very important like if you can read this aloud with your husband then you're on the like the path of being able to communicate what feels good and what doesn't and so um it's just a very important element to satisfying lovemaking And you might be afraid that you're going to hurt your husband's feelings, but he is not a woman. And so if in the middle of lovemaking, he's offended, it might be that he's already insecure about how to satisfy you. And so try to talk to him about it before or after.

Um, and that will help, um, the both of you, but, uh, he always positively talking to someone, um, especially, you know, your husband in lovemaking, covering one, what feels good, touch this, rub this, whatever, um, giving him guidance and direction and studying of telling him what he's not doing right, um, goes a long way. And so, um, Two recommendations, talk to your husband, like I said, in the middle or beginning, before lovemaking or afterward or just in a different time. And then just communicate your fear, like that you don't want to be too critical, that you want to communicate what feels good and you don't know how to do that. He will guide you in that conversation.

And then think about what you're saying and how you're saying it. Like I said, if you're telling him negatively, you're not doing it right, or I don't find satisfaction in it, whatever. Hopefully you wouldn't say that. But you don't want to deflate him. You want to think about his feelings as well. And just know that he wants to please you. So if he does, then you have to tell him. I am interested in spicing things up in our sex. Are there toys that are okay to use? Me too. This question is much better answered individually rather than generally, but I'm going to do my best. So I don't know what it means to spice things up exactly, and I don't exactly know what's meant by toys. So we're going to just take style out.

So if spicing it up means that you want to be fulfilled and you're not, like what you were saying earlier is that like the world tells you like every experience just needs to be better and better and better. And so we kind of have this idea that, you know, if we're not going 180 up the roller coaster every time, then we're failing somehow. Couldn't be with your husband for years, and it takes years to develop just the communication and the intimacy of sex. And so just take one wrong at a time. Don't expect it to be like steak and potatoes at a time. Sometimes it's mac and cheese. Sometimes it's just quick. Don't expect it to be that trajectory of...

meaning something more and more because that's what pornography tells us is that this time is not bad. It's not enough. We need to do it again in a different way. And so toys, I don't know what that means, but it could be a feather. It could be like a blindfold. I don't know if it's handcuffs or I don't know if it's vibrators. First of all, toys are not. in and of themselves sin and husbands and wives need to be in agreement if they're going to use them um and they can also aid but they easily become crutches and so uh they become substitutions for communication or just feelings of intimacy or um with your husband and so like If you're using a vibrator with your husband and because it's faster and you don't have to tell him what to do and when not to do, then that's a crutch and that's a replacement instead of an enhancement and that would be a no. Toys also can create insecurities for both the husband and the wife because if it's not the husband that's satisfying, he's insecure because he's not the one and vice versa.

Feathers are different than nightwaters. And so anyway, and it could just be oils. It could be candles. You know, it's something that can enhance the experience. It's a preference. It doesn't always have to be that way. It doesn't have to be the expectation. But pleasure should come from your partner and your partner only and not external things. And so wooing your husband is also a good way just to keep things exciting, you know, calling him, sending him texts, letting him know if you're not wearing underwear, the alarm is going off. So I did a little woo-woo-woo-woo. Thank you. And just, yeah, I mean, if you told him you weren't wearing underwear, and that's exciting for him. And so...

The use of pornography to get in the mood is not okay. That is sin. Sodomy is sinful. Harming each other is sinful in all circumstances, not in the bedroom. It's not okay in that situation either. And if this is your question and you have more questions, please come talk to me. That's all I have. You can talk to me. You can talk to Woody. Well, this is our last question, and it seems very fitting. So how does the marriage bed change as couples age, and what is normal? Okay, so I don't know about aging and the ages of new children, but I'm going to maybe stab at some things. First, You have to plan the time. So as you have children and as you age, you have to make an intention to keep sex a regular part of your life. But as you age, your bodies change.

Hormones change. Your energy level change. I can tell you from my age, I do not have energy that I did. So your frequency of sex might decline and then can't recover as quickly at 40 as they could at 19. So I think that it's different. Again, it's different for every couple. It may be that you and your husband still have very frequent sex. It may be that it's down a little bit. What you don't want to happen is for you to be out of sync, particularly with your husband's age. It's not normal to stop having sex or for sex to become very. You still need to make time for it.

Women's bodies change, particularly during menopause. You talked about KY jelly. Apparently you can order it online. You do not have to get it out of the lock case or Walmart. If you're just totally disinterested in sex, or if your husband is primarily disinterested in sex as you ain't, it might be time to talk to your doctor. Some people need hormone replacements. Men may need hormone replacements. Women may need hormone replacements. And it's just a medical thing that can be very dangerous. That as you age and as you practice, we talked about, you know, practice helps that. Really, over a lifetime, I shouldn't just keep getting better because you always have to communicate more, you practice more, and you're trying not to get into a rut where it's always the same. You can change transitions, you can do different things. So, again, like any skill, it's something you want to just keep putting.

energy into getting better at it.