A Father’s Responsibility

So today is Father's Day, and it's a day where we're going to be studying the work of fathers, and we're going to be studying a whole chapter of scripture to do it. We're going to study all of Numbers chapter 30, okay? I don't know when the last time you heard a sermon from the book of Numbers is, but I think I've preached at least one of them before. And today we're going to take on a whole chapter. This chapter deals with a father or a husband's responsibility over his wife or his daughter, particularly regarding vows that they make. This chapter has largely to do with a husband's ability to nullify his wife's vow or a father's responsibility to nullify his daughter's vow. And so in preparing for this sermon, I realized...

that the things we're going to be studying this morning are not the sort of things that get talked about very often. This idea is a foreign concept to a lot of us. It's the sort of thing that would be a foul smell in the nose of most people. This idea that men can undo what their wives do. It cuts across the sensibilities of every inch of us. We think that ought not to be, whether we know why or not. This is the basic place we start from. That shouldn't be. That's not good. Something's wrong. This chapter teaches us about the differences between men and women. Those differences are not differences of value, differences of holiness, but differences of responsibility, differences of design. And so as we begin this morning, there are a few things that we need to keep in mind regarding this.

this law, this chapter of law. First, the law is good. Okay? The Bible tells us, in many places, the law of God is good. And so if you find in your heart, as you're reading, as you're listening, as you're thinking about this, and you go, you should know that that inside of you is sin. Because the law is good. God didn't make a mistake in this chapter. He's not ashamed of what he says. He didn't blush and go, oh no, I've really done something now. And since he didn't make a mistake, he's incapable of making mistakes, and he's not ashamed of the things he says we ought not to be either. So the first thing to keep in mind, the law is good. The second is, the law is spiritual. Okay? Romans 7 tells us both of these things. The law is good, and the law is spiritual. It would be very easy for us to read this passage and to try to skirt around the issue of what it says by reducing it to simply a list of do's and don'ts. Here is God's

for how this all goes. And to remove our hearts from it. And to think that the lessons that are to be taught here in this chapter are simply, here are the rules, follow the rules. Yes, there are rules. There are things that can and should be done. But the law is not simply a bunch of rules. It is a spiritual law that's meant to do spiritual work in us. And so the law is... not just physical, it's not just a list of do's and don'ts. It's meant to instruct our souls. And so our job this morning will be to focus not simply on the list of this is how it works and in these situations and in this time frame and if and that and then the other and then this can happen. Our job is not simply to discern those things, but to focus on the spiritual nature of this passage. My hope is that we'll grow in our understanding of the responsibilities and the burdens of fatherhood and husbandry.

Not so that we'll gain the sympathy of our wives and children. It's gross when men go to their wives and say, my job's so hard. It is hard. It's not that you're lying when you say that it's hard. But it's God who's given you that work. And you ought not to grumble and complain about it to your wives and garner their sympathy for you having to do what God's given you to do. This passage is also not to be used as a silver bullet, if you will. Or a, well, this will be the end of the conversation because I'm the head of the house. This is how it's going to be. I don't know of any man that's ever ended or resolved the conflict well in his house by doing that. He may well suppress it for a time, but it will rise again. That's not the point of this passage. The point of this passage is to better prepare us and equip us for the work as husbands and fathers of caring for and loving our wives and our daughters. That's the point of this passage. We're going to be reading through Numbers 30.

Would you please stand as we read the word of the Lord? This is the word of the Lord, and it is eternally true. and puts herself under a binding obligation in her father's house in her youth, and her father hears her vow and her obligation under which she has put herself, and her father says nothing to her, then all her vows shall remain valid, and everything binding under which she has put herself shall remain valid. But if her father expresses disapproval to her on the day he hears of it, none of her vows or her obligations under which she has put herself shall remain valid, and the Lord will forgive her.

because her father has expressed disapproval to her. However, if she happens to marry while under her vows and the impulsive statement of her lips by which she has obligated herself, and her husband hears of it and says nothing to her on the day he hears of it, then her vows shall remain valid and her binding obligations under which she has put herself shall remain valid. But if on the day her husband hears of it he expresses disapproval to her, then he will annul her vow which she is under and the impulsive statement by which her lips... of her lips by which she has obligated herself and the Lord will forgive her. But as for the vow of a widow or of a divorced woman, every binding obligation under which she has put herself shall remain valid against her. However, if a married woman vowed in her husband's house or put herself under a binding obligation with an oath and her husband heard it but said nothing to her and did not express disapproval to her,

then all her vows shall remain valid, and every binding obligation under which she put herself shall remain valid. But if her husband actually annuls them on the day he hears of them, then no utterance from her lips concerning her vows or the obligation she put on herself shall remain valid. Her husband has annulled them, and the Lord will forgive her. Every vow and every binding oath to humble herself, her husband may confirm it, or her husband may annul it. But if her husband in fact says nothing to her from the day to day, then he confirms all her vows or all her binding obligations which are on her. He has confirmed them because he has said nothing to her on the day he heard them. However, if he actually annuls them after he has heard them, then he shall bear the responsibility for her guilt. These are the statutes which the Lord commanded Moses concerning matters between a man and his wife.

and between a father and his daughter while she is in her youth in her father's house. This is the word of the Lord. Really? You may be seated. We say it, you better mean it. All right. I really think this is a sweet chapter of scripture and good food for our souls. In this passage, you have the larger topic is vows, right? Making vows. And the first two verses, it's really verse two. Deal with a man making a vow. And it's very straightforward. It's very simple. And there are no caveats. If a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to put himself under a binding obligation, he shall not break his word. He shall act in accordance with everything that comes out of his mouth. Period. Full stop. That's the Lord's instructions to men who make vows. If you say it, you must do it. End of the story. In Judges, there's a really gnarly account of a vow.

of a man being made. It's the story of Jephthah. Jephthah is, he's like the black sheep of his family. Trouble with his siblings always growing up, and eventually Jephthah goes away, lives on his own. And then trouble comes to his brothers. And they come to him, who's mighty in battle. And they say, Jephthah, we need your help. We need you to come and fight with us, for us. So Jephthah goes and Jephthah fights with his brothers. on their side, and he gains a great victory. And in his joy at this great victory, he comes out and he says, I'm going to offer a sacrifice to the Lord. The first thing that comes through the gate of my house, I'm going to kill it and I'm going to sacrifice it to the Lord as an offering. Well, if you know the story, the first thing that comes through the gate is not one of his animals, but his virgin daughter. And we have a conundrum.

A very real problem. Because this passage says Jephthah has to keep his vow. And so Jephthah does keep his vow. And he does take his daughter and he kills her. Sacrifices her. And it's a tragic story. It's awful. And you sit here and your stomach turns at the thought of it. And I'll tell you that I'm convinced that what Jephthah did in killing his daughter was wrong. That he shouldn't have killed his daughter. And you say, but he's supposed to keep his vow. And I say, if we're being very wooden and very linear and just everything neat and in its order and there's never any room for reality, then yes, by all rights, he was supposed to kill his daughter. What I think Jephthah should have done was cried out to the Lord for mercy. Because what he said and what he did, the lesson of the story of Jephthah and his daughter is not a case study or an example in a man obeying this passage.

It's actually a warning against making foolish and rash vows. Okay? And the reason you need to be careful, men, particularly, about the things you commit yourselves to do is that you may not be free of them just because you're like, oh, well, I don't feel like doing that anymore. What you commit yourselves to is very, very important. Very important. In the Lord's eyes. If you commit to do something for the Lord, and then later you're like, man, I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to be faithful to my wife. You take vows before the Lord to be faithful to your wife until death separates us. If you break those vows, you're transgressing, you're failing, you're sinning against this command here at the beginning of Numbers. And so Jephthah, first, should have never made such a rash vow. And yet when he realized what he'd done, his foolishness, he should have repented of his sin in making a rash vow and not gone through with it.

And so you're under obligation, men, to do the things you say you're going to do. Particularly, and what's in focus, particularly in this passage, is that our vows are to the Lord. Okay? And so simple things like, can you help out with this thing at church? If you say yes, don't back out. Don't back out. In Psalm 15, verse 4, the question of Psalm 15 is, who may abide in the tent of the Lord? Who can ascend the holy hill and dwell with God? That's the question. And then the psalm goes through and answers what the man is like, who can ascend the mountain of God and dwell with him. And one of the things it says in verse 4 is, the one who can ascend is he who swears to his own hurt and does not change. If you know it in the King James, it's that he will not repent.

And what that verse is getting at here in Psalm 15 is the same thing that Numbers 30 verse 2 is getting at, which is that men, when they say, I'm going to do something, and then they realize that there's a cost associated with it. There was an unseen danger, an unseen problem, an unseen difficulty, an unseen trial or burden or hardship. He's sworn to the Lord, his faithfulness, and he will not change. He will not repent. He will not... Break his vow. Men can multiply reasons for why they would be unfaithful, why the vow is too burdensome, and yet none of those reasons justify us saying, I ain't going to do what I said I was going to do. And so Christian men ought to be men of their word. And they ought to think carefully about what they say they'll do, what they say they're about, and what they say they'll give themselves to. And if they won't, be faithful, then they shouldn't commit to it. When couples get married, this is one of the things we talk about. It's like you have all of these ambitions and all these desires for your marriage. I don't know what the future brings. I don't know the future particularly. But what I do know is that your marriage will be difficult. I know that it will be. And so I tell the young couples in our church that. And then they come to me in the first six months of marriage and they say, our marriage isn't nearly as hard as you said it was going to be.

And I smile and I laugh and I say, good, I'm glad you're having a good first six months. That's good. But I do know that difficult times will come. And I do know there's times come when you'll think, this isn't what I signed up for. And it's in those times when you face those temptations that I say what I say before you got married, which is, yes, it is. It is what you signed up for. I didn't know my wife was going to get a debilitating disease. Neither did I. I didn't know that she wasn't going to be able to care for the children. I didn't know that she was going to struggle. I didn't know that she was going to be depressed. I didn't know she was going to become an alcoholic. I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know. A wife could say the same thing. I say the same thing to the wife about her husband. We make these vows by faith. And Numbers 30 tells us simply to the man, if he makes a vow, he shall not break his word. So keep his word. And then we come, the whole rest of the chapter.

The whole rest of the chapter is about wives and daughters and if they make vows. If a woman makes a vow to the Lord, puts herself under obligation, while she's in her youth in her father's house, and then it says, and then if her father hears that vow and her obligation under which she has put herself, and her father says nothing to her. So you realize, daughter goes out and does something, says something, commits herself to something, and then dad hears. You did, oh, dad has a choice. He's going to have some reaction to it, like any one of us would. Honey, what did you say you were going to do? What did you tell them? Her father has a choice. He can speak and say, Honey, what you did was wrong. And you will not be fulfilling that. You're not going to do that. Or he can remain silent. And in this passage, one of the things it teaches us about a father's or a husband's silence is that their silence is an approval of the thing that's gone on.

And it's meant to be an exhortation. We'll come to this later. But for now, realize that if you're silent in the moment when you're holding your tongue and you're like, I'm not going to say anything about it now, you have confirmed what your wife or your daughter said. You are leading, John says. You're leading no matter what. And every one of you men can understand the temptation to be silent. Because you're like, well, if I say something, she's going to get angry or embarrassed. And we're going to end up fighting. So you're quiet. And so this chapter teaches you that if in that moment you're quiet, you disapprove, but you keep it to yourself. If you're quiet, then you've approved of her behavior. And you'll say, no, I don't approve of her behavior. And I say, yeah, you did because you didn't say anything about it. How many parents look at their children as they grow up and they go, I don't know why they do that. We didn't teach them to do that. And I say, yeah, you did. Yes, you taught them both by your example and by your silence that that sort of behavior was okay.

You didn't oppose them and say, no, that will not happen in my house. You will not do that. That is not okay. That does not honor the Lord. And so the main structure of this passage is, men, if you say it, you're going to do it. Women, if you say it, men, if you don't oppose it, it stands. But if you oppose it, it's annulled. It's wiped away. It's as if it never was done. This is true of fathers with their daughters, their virgin daughters, their minor daughters, those that are still clearly under their care in their homes. And it's true of husbands with their wives. So I want to ask you, or sort of acknowledge the pressure you're feeling because you've grown up in this society. Isn't this demeaning to women? That's the way our society, I mean, that may be a mild way of reading this passage. That men are the heads of their households, that they have responsibility.

for the people, to love and to care for the people in their homes. And that responsibility extends even to changing what their wives and daughters say they're going to do. Daddy, I'm going to go do this. No, you're not. No, honey, you may not do that. Wife comes home and says, look what I did. I'm going to this and that and the other. And husband says, no, that's not going to work. Shouldn't a wife be able to make her own commitments and her own decisions? Isn't she wise enough, smart enough? Isn't she capable enough to be equally responsible for these sorts of things in her home. I'm telling you, she's not the one who's responsible for the trajectory and the decisions that get made in their home. You husbands, you'll make decisions in your life that your wife absolutely hates. And when her weakness, she'll punish you for them. And you'll be tempted to despise your wife and you'll be tempted to think, what this woman that you've given to me, just like Adam did in the garden.

Your temptations, her temptations, the lies that Satan's worked into your way of thinking are not new. They must be resisted. Is God saying all of this because women are somehow second class citizens and somehow not capable, not equals with men? No. There's no indication that women are somehow second class citizens. There is indication, though, that women tend to be more rash. And are more easily deceived and are more prone to say foolish things without thinking about it than men are. Now that's the hardest thing I've said the whole time. This whole time is that women, as a category, not true of every husband and every wife, but as generally speaking, women are more likely to be deceived, more likely to be led astray, and need help and protection from God. Because their job is not to make...

to be good at everything, any more than it's a man's job to be good at everything. Men have many, many sins by which their wives help them with and strengthen them with and protect them against. No, none of us would be upset if I said, you know, men tend to be more angry with their children. They tend to get frustrated. They tend to be more violent. They tend to be more oppressive. And we all be like, yeah, I think generally that's true. Men tend to be more aggressive. And we'd all be like, yeah, that's true. And I say, okay, well. If we can say that there's true things about men, and we can all say, yeah, that's true, and their wives help them. They come to the husband who's angry at 2 a.m. because the baby's crying and says, honey, he's teething. And he's crying, but he's a baby. And it hurts. And he doesn't have any words to express his discomfort, and he doesn't have any ability to fix his discomfort. That's why he's crying, honey. And she's a great help to her husband in that, because he's not naturally good at that stuff.

He sees a problem and he says, I need to solve the problem. When he can't solve the problem, he gets angry. And he says, if I can't solve the problem quickly and gently, then I'll solve it by force. And we all go, yeah, okay, I can see. That's how men, kind of how they're wired. These are their temptations. These are their dangers. Let's say, okay, women have a set of temptations that are intrinsic to their sex. And you see it in this passage where it talks about the woman speaking. And it talks about her impulsive language. Up in verse 8, speaking of a husband, it says, But if on the day her husband hears of it, this thing that she's vowed to, he expresses disapproval to her, then he will annul her vow, which she is under, and the impulsive statement of her lips. Now, if someone says, you made an impulsive statement, is that a compliment? That's not a compliment. That's not a compliment. It means you spoke out of turn. It means you spoke rashly. It means you didn't...

Count the cost before you commit it. And so if her husband expresses disapproval to her, then he will annul, he will wipe away the impulsive statement of her lips, which she has obligated herself. And then it says, and the Lord will forgive her. Forgive her for what? I mean, really, forgive her for what? For her sin. She sinned. And her husband is able to cover over her sin and to protect her from bearing the guilt of her sin, her impulsivity. or foolish rash decisions. And so it's God's will that fathers and husbands would protect their wives and their daughters from the sins that they have a greater propensity to commit. Now I'll ask you wives, you may be willing in the moment to think, yes, I've been impulsive at times. And then I'd ask you, do you like when someone points out your...

your impulsive decision, and then says, no, we're not doing that. I will in the future like it. I will appreciate it. But the truth is, most of you women will punish your husbands for telling you no. This is what's natural for wives. They don't want to be told what to do or to be protected. I'll figure it out myself. Everything I've learned growing up is that I can take care of myself and I'm capable and I don't need a man. I'm sorry to tell you, if you're married, That is the most clear as a bell indication. You do need a man because God gave one to you. And he's a sinner and probably a fool in many ways. But so are you. And it's that last part that never gets said. The men are the fools. Men are sinners. We're all a bunch of Homer Simpsons walking around. But women are foolish too. Do you know one of the things that helps men overcome their foolishness? Studying theology? No.

I mean, you can if you want. That's great. It's good. Study theology. Will not help you overcome your immaturity. Making a lot of money? No. Getting buff? Big muscles? No. Do you know what will help men overcome their immaturity? Say it. Marriage. Marriage. Because when a man gets married, unless there's some wires, major wires disconnected in him, something goes in his head and he goes, I have to grow up. I have to grow up because I have a wife. And not long after the wife, many times, there's a baby. And he goes, I have to stop acting like a big kid. And it's a shame when men don't get that lesson. Which is not to say that once they get the lesson, they do it perfectly. We don't. But they do go, oh, she needs me. They need me.

I can't sit and play video games all day or sleep until 10 or 11 o'clock in the morning and stay up half the night and go on my guy trips with my bachelors. All of a sudden, their life changes and all their friends are like, what's wrong, man? Why don't you come hang out and go to this and that and the other? Because he's married. That's why he has a wife. And it's a scary thing for a woman to marry a man who hadn't grown up yet. But you should know that in God's kindness, he probably will use your marriage to grow your husband more than anything else he will in your life. And so we could look at any particular man in any particular circumstance and say he was wrong, he was foolish, his wife has a better head on her shoulders, she is more capable of making this decision or weighing out that cost. But as a rule, as a principle, you men, these are your jobs. And if you find that you're weak in this area, and some of you are,

Some of us are. Your wife may well be better at the thing that you're supposed to do than you are. Then you would be a fool not to get her counsel and to get her help. I think one of the abuses of this passage is that men read it. You know, we see feminism and we go, bad! And we say, we're going to respond and we're going to say, patriarchy! I'm all for patriarchy. It's good. It's biblical. Men are supposed to be the heads of their homes, the heads of society, the heads of the church. Because God made it that way. Okay? It doesn't make women less valuable. But we have different roles. We were created for different purposes. And this is the purpose of men. But men are also supposed to trust their wives. And there's danger in reacting to feminism in a way that's just as corrosive and just as damaging. And that really is to look at women as though they have nothing to offer.

to you as a husband. And if you think that, well, I'm the head of the house and you stand up tall and your chest puffs out and you think, I'm, you know, a man now. I've arrived. What I often feel when I see men do that is pity for their wives and for their children. Because the man who walks around all the time talking about his authority has no clue about any of his responsibilities. He just thinks, well, I'm the head so I can do what I want. Well... I suppose you can, but you will also, and all of the people that are under your care, will suffer under the decisions that you make. They will either prosper or they will suffer. And so it's a great weight that you bear. In Proverbs 31, we're given a picture of a woman that every man, especially when he's upset at his wife, thinks, I wish my wife would be more like that.

That wife does all kinds of things for her husband. She helps her family. She's up early in the morning. She's very industrious. She goes out and buys fields for the family to build and provide for their family. That's a good wife. If you have a wife who's good at something that you're not good at, some wives would actually be very much better at figuring out whether this is a good purchase or not than their husband would be. A husband is an absolute idiot if he has a wife who's gifted in that way better than he is. And he says, well, I'm the head of the house, so we're not going to do what you said because I'm the leader. And you might think I'm crazy for saying that, but I've literally sat in the room with men who say just that. Well, I'm the head of my house, and I dig in my heels when my wife tells me I'm wrong. A fool. Did you not need help? You're better than Adam. You didn't need a helper. You didn't have weaknesses. You were the complete package. That's what I think of these men. I think, you need your wife.

You need your wife, and she's not an idiot. This passage doesn't say, in the day that your wife makes a vow, your job is to annul it. It doesn't actually say that your wife will always make bad decisions, and your job is to go through life marking your territory by saying she's an idiot and she's wrong. That's not what this passage teaches. It says if she does something foolish, if she speaks impulsively, then protect her. Care for her. Resist the temptation to love yourself and just be quiet and be like, well, she'll figure it out later. I'll tell her later. Maybe she'll realize by the time that, you know, between the time she says yes and the time she has to do yes, that what she said was wrong. I'll just sit back and watch. No. Men who do that are failing. They're failing to love their wives. They're failing to care for their daughters. Here's an example. In our society, where I wish fathers...

and husbands, because of the failure of fathers, would stand up and say something with regard to the way women dress. We've already gone into all of the things that are uncomfortable. Women are not taught by their mothers, largely, what modesty is. And I could do without their mothers teaching them what modesty is if their fathers would teach them. Because men and women, when it comes to modesty, women don't think like men. they wear things and communicate different things and mean different things. And to women, they're probably right. To the girls that are looking at the way you're dressed, you probably know better than a man what they're thinking and how that all works. But when it comes to the men, you don't have a clue. And what I wish is that fathers would step in and say, honey, you may not wear that. Don't go put it back in your closet. We've got to get it out of the house. What does a daughter do in our society if a dad were to say that to them?

She's going to stomp. Maybe. The best we can hope for is that she will stomp off sullenly, change her outfit, and most likely put it in her purse so that she can put it on after she gets out of the house. Am I wrong, girls? Is this not what you do? What you did or what you thought to do? My dad's an idiot. He doesn't know anything about this stuff. This is cute and this is pretty and my friends will think it's, you know. But your dad has a different priority and he understands something that you don't understand. The problem is he never says it. He should say it.

I think one of the sweetest parts of this passage is it says, there's a second chance for daughters. And the second chance is when they get married. Did you catch this? It says, if the dad never said anything. Let me read it. Let me find it. Verse 6. Verses 3 to 5. If the dad never says anything. It says, however, if she happens to marry, while under her vows, the impulsive statement of her lips by which she has obligated herself, and her husband hears of it, and says nothing to her on the day he hears of it, then her vows shall remain valid, binding obligations under which she has put herself shall remain valid. But if on the day her husband hears of it and he expresses disapproval, then he will annul her vow, which she is under in the impulsive statement of her lips, by which she's obligated, and the Lord will forgive her. And so there's like this second chance. It's like, well, if your dad failed, hopefully your husband won't. Hopefully your husband would say, honey, you're too pretty to wear that out in public.

The general rule of thumb I would give to husbands is if it catches your eye, don't let your wife wear it out in public. I don't mean like, oh, that's a pretty print or that's a nice dress, but I mean like if it catches your husband eye, don't let her wear it out of the house. Wives, well, then I'm just going to have to wear a paper sack. And I'm like, no, you don't just have to wear a paper sack. It's possible for your husband to tell you what is both attractive and modest. And you guys can work that out and talk about that and sort of...

come to an understanding about what that looks like. But husband's like, oh man, she looks hot. That's a problem. If she goes out in public and your thought was, man, she looks hot. Because guess what? You're not the only man who's going to have that thought about your wife. And you don't want other men to have that thought about your wife, do you? No. So tell her, men, it's your job to care for your wife, to love your daughters, to pay attention to the decisions that they make. And the pressures that they feel that lead them to make the decisions that they make and to lead them through it. Even if they don't appreciate it in the moment. How many wives were daughters at one time and their dad did say to them, at some point, honey, you can't do that. That boy's trouble and you may not date him. No, you may not go to that overnight thing or whatever. No, you can't get that tattoo. I don't know what it was. And then later in life, they go, you know what? I didn't think at the time, but man, I'm so thankful that my dad told me no.

And you punished him for it in the moment or all through your teenage years. Watching the two of you and thinking of what your poor dad went through. But you were girls. He watched you guys grow up. And it's a sweet work. It's a hard work. It's a hard work to love your wife, men. It's a hard work to teach your daughters. Your daughters will be sweet and they'll come sit on your lap and you'll be everything to them when they're little. And then they'll get bigger and they'll get older and they'll get... and they will get insecure and keep loving them. Keep caring for them. Keep telling them no when they need to be told no. When they do something that's good, you shouldn't, you know, maybe here's an example. We'll use clothing as an example. It's one thing to tell your daughter that what she's wearing is inappropriate for whatever reason. It's too tight, it's too low, it's too high, whatever. You should also tell your daughter when she's wearing something that looks beautiful on her. You really should.

She should know what she's aiming for. She really does want to know what you think. You should tell her. You should do the same thing with your wife. That's really attractive. I really like that. So what kind of vows, here's a question, what kind of vows can a husband or a father annul, wipe away? Well, the text says that the woman's vows would be to the Lord. Okay? And so my talking about modesty is really... not immediately from this text, but it is something I wish men would do for the women in their life. It really is a way to protect them. But here in this passage, it says that the vows are to the Lord. We're not talking about little insignificant things. Maybe we could take, we'll use an example, drinking. We grow up in a house, nobody drinks. We don't drink because we're Christians. That's not my commitment. There's nothing in our church that says that's our commitment. I'm just using it as an example.

21-year-old daughter decides she wants to have a drink. Dad has a question. Am I going to say yes or am I going to say no? What are the relational pressures that are going to exist in that decision? If I tell her not to drink, she's going to hide her drinking. That's the temptation. What you hope is that she'll say, oh, thank you, Daddy. Okay, I won't drink. And maybe she will, but she might not. And she says, I'm not going to drink because I think that Christians shouldn't drink because I heard somewhere that that's bad. And this is my commitment to the Lord. I'm not going to drink. Dad, you can say, nothing. And you can allow her to go, and that's fine. Or you can say, no, that's not the case. Now, what happens when she gets married? And she says, I have a commitment not to drink. To the Lord, I'm not going to drink. Her husband can say, that's not a commitment in our house. Doesn't mean he has to force her to drink. There are families in our church, they grew up, they didn't drink. I know they didn't drink. And now they're like, meh, okay. And the wife's still like, meh.

I don't really like drinking. It's not the husband's obligation to say, no, you will drink this full glass of wine. Because I said so. That would be a foolish husband, right? But he's going to work with his wife to say, okay, but that commitment that you had, that commitment, it's not biblical. I don't approve of it. I think you're wrong. And I won't have you looking down on me or on our children or on the other people in the church who don't mind having a beer now and then. And we're all opposed to drunkenness. That's what this sort of leadership looks like. And by God's grace, your wife will say, okay, all right. And over time, she'll warm up to the idea that her commitment to the Lord was perhaps foolish. I was telling James about this sermon, and he says, well, what about marriage? Can dads tell their daughters that they can't get married? And I'm like, well, what do you mean? I'm not remembering. Can and should are two different things. Because the reality is,

You have to look at the cost of your decisions. Every leader has to look at the cost of his decisions. And you have to think, okay, my daughter's gone and married him and all the things that go along with marriage are now true of this couple. Am I going to tear her out of that and clean up that mess? And there may be times when you say, that's really what I want to do. Though you can't, in our society, you can't physically, you can't make that happen. There are things you can do to express your disapproval. That's what this passage says time and again is, Express your disapproval to her. So do I think a dad could go to his daughter and say, you shouldn't have done that and that was wrong. And I want you to have a real wedding. That's what I would like for you to do. Yes, absolutely. Can you make her put on a white dress and have a wedding? No, you can't. But that's not what this passage tells you to do. It says that you're to express your disapproval to her. What you did was wrong. But what the end result of that disapproval is depends on the situation.

What can be done? Can you say, you are not married because I said you're not married? No, you can't. Can you say, I'd like for you to have a wedding ceremony and legitimize what you guys have done? Yeah, you can say that. You can push for it. And depending on the situation, maybe you should. These are difficult things to do. Leadership is very hard. Sorting out what's good and what's bad, what's right and what's wrong. when you should say, honey, you're not going to do that. I think one of the ways we get around this, and I think it's the men that have done this, is I think it's common in our circles for women to say, I need to talk to my husband first. I need to talk to my husband first. I need to talk to my husband first. And there's a time and there's a place for that. But to be honest with you, that kind of irritates me. Because it tells me that there's not a whole lot of unity between the couple. Now, am I opposed to you talking like...

your husband having a say in it. No, I'm not opposed to having her. I'm completely willing for your husband to say, no, you can't do that, even after you said you could. But I think that wives should know their husbands well enough to know what their husbands would want them to do. And why? Now, that gets easier as you're married for longer. If you've been married for six months, you're not going to have the experience of the couple that's been married for 15 years. You know? With Vanessa and I, probably to a fault, she gets irritated with me because I'm like, honey, I trust you. Go.

Don't bother me with the, I don't want you asking me a million questions. Make the decisions. If I don't like it, I'll fix it. But just don't bug me all the time. That's me. She would very much like to talk through everything because that would give her security. And I'm like, honey, I trust you. Generally, I trust you. If you do something that's foolish, I'm going to say, no, we're not going to do that. And so... Maybe what you should consider is that a wife that always says that, if you husbands say, wife, you always have to check in with me, you can't ever do anything, you're not leading your wife. She should know what you think, generally. And I'm not saying she can never call and ask you, that's fine. Don't hear what I'm not saying. But husbands, you should trust your wives to go make a decision. And you should love her enough that if the decision she makes is bad or detrimental or rash or harmful, you should say, honey, we're going to do something else.

I can teach, and you know, can you teach women's Bible study? Yes, sure, I can teach women's Bible study every single week. And you come home and your husband's like, oh, I don't think we can do that because we got this other stuff. Well, then the wife goes back to the women's ministry and says, I talked to my husband and he said no. He said I could do this. That's a perfectly reasonable way to handle it. I think the reason we avoid it is because we see that there's a potential for conflict and danger because we're like, oh, well, what if he says no and then the women's ministry is disappointed with me?

The women's ministry won't be disappointed with you. Yes, I can serve in the nursery. Yes, I can do that. It actually is hard to get things done with women who are always saying, I'll get back to you, I'll get back to you, I'll get back to you, I'll get back to you. So take it for what it's worth. I'm not saying you can't ever do that. I'm not saying you can't do it regularly. It may be that your husband wants you to call him and ask him about every decision. That's not me. Maybe that's your husband. And that's how he wants to handle this, and that's fine. But wives ought to be able to speak.

And husbands ought to be able to say if their wife is wrong, honey, we're not going to, that's no. We're not doing that. We'll have to do something else. We'll call them. We'll change it. Here's what we'll do instead. Husbands, you ought to trust your wives. And if you find that you're never content with the decisions that your wives make, then you have a problem. And the problem is probably not your wife. It's probably you. Being a little man and having some sort of complex about having to be the head of your home and everything being a matter of you having to mark your territory.

The question is not whether you're the head of your home. You are. The question is whether you're a good head of your home or not. So take responsibility for your wives and for your daughters. Lead them to understand how they can be most helpful and what would be appropriate. Your wives and your daughters should know what you want and what your expectations are. Your home should be marked with your leadership, not because you're walking around and making a fuss out of every little thing, but because they know what you're about and what your family's about. Be proactive, not just reactive. Reacting is always, well, I'm the husband of the house. There's always reacting to some issue. Be proactive and say, honey, this is what we're going to do. This is why. This is what's important. Here's what we've got going on. This is how you'll protect your wife and you'll keep her from danger. You want her to know you and to work and care for your home and your family, not to tear it down, which is what she'll be inclined to do if you don't lead her in this way. The final application I'll give you is regarding silence. Men, I'm a husband.

And I'm married to one of the strongest women in this church, whether you believe it or not. I'm a very stubborn man, and I've teasingly said to Vanessa and other people, she'll make me want to quit because she's helpful to me and is unwilling to let go of things that I need to grow in or change on. And so I have a temptation, like many I trust of you have, to be silent and to be like, I just don't want to deal with it. I just don't want it. Whatever. Fine, honey. Whatever. Here's what Calvin says about a husband's silence. He says, For many deceptions have thus arisen, since it is usual with many when they wish to gratify their wives to conceal their opinion for a time. Because they want to gratify their wives, right? So they get quiet. But when the period of actual performance arrives, they want to elude what may have been promised. But unless they use their privilege in the proper time,

God will have them bear the punishment of their servile indulgence and dissimulation. Now, old language, hard to understand. What he's saying is, if you don't speak up when you should speak up, then you're going to lay in the bed that you made. And you're not going to take, there's a time for you to speak up, and then there's a time for you to bear the weight of your silence. And it would be good for you not to be in the habit of being silent when you should speak and speaking when you should be silent. If your wife says, hey, honey, I went and, you know, I order a lawn care service, and they're going to come, and they're going to make our yard just, you know, here's a picture they showed me. Look at that. It's only $300 a month. And you went, and you're quiet. And then when the first bill shows up, you're like, what did you do? Don't say, what do you do when the bill comes, if you didn't say, honey, cancel that service. Well, I already paid them. Well, then cancel that service. Speak when you should speak. Over time, I'll tell you, your wife will grow to appreciate.

your leadership. She really will. The longer you're quiet and you think, I don't want to fight with her all the time. And I say the best way to get to where you don't fight all the time is to express what you want in your home. She is not going to be happy or content until you do. Probably until after years of you doing it. Why doesn't she listen? Man, you're just as big of a sinner as she is. These are her temptations. Don't become embittered towards your wife. Lead her and love her. Care for her. Shame is true of your children. How many times do I have to tell you? More. More. How many times does God have to tell you, husband, father? How quickly do you pick it up? Don't grow weary in well-doing, men. It's good work. It's good work. And God will bless it. Let's pray.