Discipline Them Diligently

So we're coming toward the end of our sermon series on parenting. This week and then next, and we'll be done. I've been encouraged by feedback that I've heard about. It does seem that the Lord's using this sermon series in our lives, and in my own life, in my home. I've told you guys before that... knowing what we ought to do. You know in your own life that knowing what to do and actually doing it are two different things. And so the sermon series has been convicting, especially to me, realizing my own failures as a father. And yet I haven't been only, I've been convicted, but not just discouraged. I've been encouraged to see God's grace helping me to change, to grow. And my prayer has been that it would last and that it would stick.

It's easy to pay attention to the things that are right in front of us, and then when they're gone away, we forget about them. And it's my hope that you don't forget, because your kids aren't going to go away. So you'll need to remember. Until last week, I preached from Proverbs on how the rod and reproof discipline, corporal discipline, the goal of those things, the rod and reproof, are to impart wisdom. They're to make your children wise. That's the point. The point's not to work out your anger and your angst and your frustration or your bad day at work on your kids. That's wicked. That's not what the rod was given for. And it's not how it's to be used. The goal of using the rod in reproof is to impart wisdom. That's what we learned last week. This week I want to talk a little more about corporal discipline, about spanking. And the takeaway that I want you to, from this morning, is very simple.

I want you to know as parents that discipline is a normal part of your children's upbringing. It shouldn't be something that happens once in a blue moon. And as we study our text, we're going to realize it's not something that's supposed to be ten times a day every single day. If you were here last week, you remember me saying that disciplining children, whether it's spanking or whatever you're doing with them, I liken it to filling a tire every day, three times a day with air. And if what you're having to do is put air in a tire three or four times a day so you can get where you're going, the problem's not that the tire needs air, the problem's that the tire has a hole. And putting air in it's not going to fix that problem. And so we're going to dig more into that this morning. And yet I do want you to know, while it's not a constant in your home, it should be regular. It's a means that God's given to us that we should be regularly employing with our kids. It's not the only tool, and yet it's...

It's one of the primary tools that we use. And the reason I want to talk about it is because it's the tool that we want to neglect. This is what you don't want to do. You don't want to spank your kids. And I know that because I know it about myself. I don't want to spank my kids. And so I want to open that up and talk about that this morning. Would you please stand for the reading of God's word from Proverbs 13, verse 24. This is the word of the Lord, and it's eternally true. He who withholds his rod... This is the word of the Lord. You may be seated. One of the sweet things about Proverbs is, well, about some of the Proverbs is they're really straightforward and easy to understand. And this is one of the Proverbs that it's pretty hard to miss what's being said. Our text teaches us that the father who doesn't discipline his son hates him. If we put that together with Proverbs 19.8,

which says, discipline your son while there is hope and do not desire his death, we realize, when we put these together, we realize withholding discipline from your child is an act of hatred whose outcome is death. And so if a father or a parent refuses to discipline their child, they hate their kid and they're actively, actively desiring their death. They're pursuing it. Now, If it wasn't in Scripture, I wouldn't say that, because that seems so contrary to the nature of being a parent. You think a parent that desires their child's death is just monstrous. How could you want your child to die? Only wicked, wicked, wicked, awful parents want their children to die. But Scripture says the father who doesn't discipline his child hates him and is desiring his death. And so we have to, as we approach this, this topic of discipline, we have to be biblical. We have to think about and understand what God says and let him define what's love and what's hate and what's life and what's death. Before we get any further, I want to say one thing about discipline. So many of us grew up in homes where we weren't disciplined biblically. Maybe we weren't spanked at all. Maybe we were beaten. Maybe we were screamed and yelled at and sometimes hit. There's all kinds of things that...

that we've experienced when we were children. And so what that's produced in us is an immaturity of understanding when it comes to discipline. We don't know what it should look like, if we're honest. We don't know how do you do it, when do you do it, what's it supposed to look like, what's it look like afterwards. We're kind of fishing in the dark for the light switch. And so when we put that sort of, of ignorance together with these really strong words from God that say, if you don't do this, you hate your children and desire their death. What happens, and this is more typical of men, I would say, than women, is they hustle up and run and they're like, well, I'm going to go do it. I'm going to go do it. I've got to do it. They do it under compulsion. They don't do it wisely. They just go, it's better just to do it than to not do it because I want to prove that I love my kid, my child.

And what I don't want us to do, especially you fathers, is to discipline your children under compulsion. I don't want you doing it as if you're running across a bridge and the bridge is burning behind you. Because there's no stability in that for you or for the child. Discipline spanking happens as an act of love. And it ought to be recognizable to people that it's an act of love. Your child ought to recognize it as love. you ought to recognize it as love and not have any hesitation saying, I did that because I loved you. And so if you can say to your child, I did that because I loved you, then good job, mom and dad. If you say to them, if you can't say, I did that because I loved you, then you have to figure out why you did it. And it may well be that you did it because you're supposed to. Well, because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know what all I'm supposed to do as a parent, but I know I'm supposed to spank you, and so you're getting a spanking. The context of this is love. Care.

Tenderness and compassion for the child. Hear what Peter writes to the elders of the churches throughout Galatia as he's leading them. He's talking to them about how to shepherd, how to be church fathers. And he says to them, shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God, and not for sordid gain, but with eagerness, nor yet as lording it over those allotted to your charge. but proving to be an example to the flock. This is a good description of godly parenting. He's telling them, you need to shepherd these people. You need to love them. You need to care about them. You need to not do it for money or for prestige or because you have to, under compulsion. But you ought to do it voluntarily. No one's forcing you. You ought to do it with eagerness. And you also ought to set an example for them.

You're telling them to aim at something, you ought to show them what it looks like to hit it. So you can't take up the mantle of disciplining your children under compulsion, lording your position over them. Yes, you're their parent. Yes, you're bigger than them. Yes, you're wiser than them. Yes, you love them and have their best interests at heart. But all of that can be true and you can lord it over them. You ought to do it voluntarily. You ought to do it with joy. And as you do it, you're to prove yourselves an example of the things that you teach them. If you tell them not to scream and yell and throw things, well, remember I've asked you, where do they learn that stuff? They can learn it all on their own, and they do. I'm not saying that they learn absolutely every sin they commit is because they watched you do it. But if you're honest, you'd admit that a lot of the things they've learned and the way they talk and the way they behave, they did learn from you. And so be an example to them. And so he who withholds his rod hates his son. Don't withhold the rod from your son.

But as you do it, don't do it under compulsion. Do it with tenderness and with kindness and with hope. So this proverb is set up as a contrast, as a comparison. The one who withholds the rod hates his son, but the one who loves his son gives him discipline. So hating your son is withholding the rod. Loving your son is not withholding the rod. It's disciplining him diligently. So what does it mean for a father to love his son? This is the question I was trying to get at earlier. You think, well, I'm not sure. I know one thing that it's not. I have my life as a point of reference. So if I was to talk about my life, I know that loving your son doesn't mean, it's not loving to leave. Because that's what my dad did. He left. And so I know in my brain, whatever I don't know, I know that one thing. I know that leaving isn't loving. Because I lived in that, I grew it where I was planted. I grew up without a dad. And so I know that that's not the thing to do.

But knowing what not to do isn't the same as knowing what to do, right? I've told you before when you talk to your kids, when you're teaching them, you have to teach them what to put on, what to do, not just what they're not to do. So if you're always telling them, don't do that, don't touch that, don't, no, no, no, what you're doing is putting your kid in a straitjacket because they're going, well, what am I supposed to do? They won't ever articulate that to you. In case you don't know that, your kids will never say, well, but what can I do? They'll just grumble and get frustrated and not know. So when you tell them, no, you can't do this, like the proverb has two parts, your instruction needs to have two parts. Don't do this. Please do this instead. I want you to stop throwing your Legos. You don't like when the Legos get thrown around the house. Good enough. That's a good thing not to like. They hurt to step on, they break things when they hit them, and all of that. Now, what do you want them to do with the Legos? You need to tell them.

Why don't you build a spaceship? Why don't you build a boat? Why don't you put them away? What do you want them to do? It can be whatever it is you want them to do, but you should tell them that. Tell them what you want. So what does it mean for a father to love his son? Well, we have to figure out proactively what we ought to be doing. The first thing is, as I just said, you need to tell them what you want from them. Not just what you don't want them to do, but what you want them to do instead. To answer this question, if we reason, inversely, you know, backwards from Proverbs 19.18, which says, discipline your son while there's hope and do not desire his death. What does it mean to love your son? Well, it means that you have a principle of desiring his life. And it's a strange thing to say, isn't it? I mean, raise your hand if you don't desire your children's life. They're all like, no, that's not true, Pastor. That's not what I want. Of course I don't want that. Nobody actually wants that. And I say, well, okay, so what's it look like to desire your children's life?

Because you can say, well, I want, I want, and it's sort of like window shopping doesn't ever get anything in your closet. You can go out and you can say, well, I want, and I want, and I want, but until you come with the money and say, and give it to me, please, it doesn't go home with you. And so the same is true of desiring your children's life. Until you get the money out and you put it on the table and you say, here's what I want, and it has flesh. It's not just, I want you to live and be happy and fulfilled and all that.

Until it has flesh and he says, I want you to do this. I want this for you. This is what life looks like for you. You haven't put the money on the table. You've been window shopping with your children's soul. And so what does it mean to want them to live a long life? Well, in Ephesians 6.3, we look at this same concept from a different angle. It's not the parents being instructed. It's the children being instructed. And if you have children, they should memorize this. Ephesians 6, 1-3, your kids should just know it. They've got to know it. Ephesians 6, 1-3, Paul writes, Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. And honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may be well with you and that you may live long in the earth. And so you as a parent are to desire that they live along, that they live. And children are told here,

how it is that they'll live a long life by obeying their mother and father. And so if you love your children, what you have to do is you have to expect them to obey you. It can't be half-hearted. It can't be like, well, I hope you do. Well, it would be nice if you did. I hope that someday you realize it. No, when you have kids, you have to expect that they obey you. And not because you're bigger than them and intimidating to them. But because they love you, because they're growing and they're reciprocating with obedience the love that you've given to them, that you've invested in them. And so the first thing, if you love your children's life, the first thing is you have to expect that they will obey you. And when they don't obey you, they should have a consequence associated with it. They should have a consequence associated with it. Not because you're offended that they didn't listen to you.

Would God have ever sent his son into this world if he just went and had a fit in the corner because we didn't listen to him? No, he was merciful and kind in sending his son while we were still sinners, while we were dead. He was kind and loving and came toward us. And so we desire our children's life by expecting them to obey us. Because we're their parents. That means that reasoning with your children and arguing with them and negotiating with them, maybe not arguing, But trying to negotiate with a child is foolish, especially young children. As they get older, you know, they start getting into their early teens, they should be making some decisions on their own. It's a failure if you have a 12-year-old that can't figure out what clothes to wear or doesn't have a desire and doesn't ever come ask you, can I this? Is it okay if I do that? If they're so programmed to not make any decision of their own,

then that's not good. But when you have little kids, you need to be teaching them how to make wise decisions by making those decisions and teaching them as you make them. The weird thing is in our culture, if you were to stand apart from it and look at it, which group, if you were to think kids from zero to, let's compare two categories, kids from zero to 10 against kids from 10 to 20. Which group, gets told what to do more often by their parents? Not should, I'm just objectively. Who gets told what to do more often? What? The young ones. Okay, you think the young ones. And you're a teacher, right? You teach those older than 10-year-olds. One of the ways to measure this is when do parents have more conflict with their children? Do they have more conflict with their less than 10-year-olds or their more than 10-year-olds? Their more than 10-year-olds.

And there's this swing. I'm convinced that parents tell their kids what to do more often as they get older. And that they don't do it when they're young. Now, that's backwards. That's completely opposed to godly parenting. Because what we're doing as parents trying to raise godly children is we're teaching them when they're young. So that as they get older... They're wise to make decisions for themselves because you're not always going to be there to make the decision for them. You're not always going to be there to consult them. You want them making wise decisions. What are you going to do when they get handed the keys and they're going to go driving? You can't go with them everywhere. You have to hope that they make wise decisions. And so in our culture, it's this strange thing. Little kids get negotiated with. Little kids get reasoned with. Well, mommy doesn't like it when you do that, honey.

That's not a nice thing. Would you please not do that? And we're negotiating with this child. And the reason that kids are negotiated with little kids is because their sin's not that obnoxious yet or dangerous. You follow? When a little kid screams, it's obnoxious and it's upsetting, but it's not the same as them punching their fist through the wall. That's the same sin. The only difference is the age of the child and the strength of the child. That's the difference. And so we're inclined to react much more strongly to the kid that puts his fist through the wall than we are to the kid that screams in our face. And what I'm saying is if you don't want your kid to put his fist through the wall, you have to deal with him when he screams because that turns into this. You don't negotiate with a little kid that's screaming. You calm them down, you discipline them, and you instruct them. You don't negotiate.

I'm sorry that you were upset that he took your toy away. No, your three-year-old is not allowed to have that thought. He's not allowed to be that entitled because that is so ugly when they get to be 16. You see it in older kids, right? You see these kids' behavior when they're older. And what do people say about that kid? What should have happened when they were young? Their parents should have disciplined them. Somebody should have told them no. Right? But we all laugh about it. And so I say as Christians, don't laugh about it. Do it. You teach your young children to not be, so they won't become that. And then you, so to do that, you have to, with your young children, you have to not be ashamed of telling them what to do and expecting them to do it. And everyone will think you're nasty and you're mean to your kids. That's what they'll think. You know, when we've gone out places, our kids listen. For the most part, our kids listen to us. Because we expect them to, and we don't apologize about expecting them to.

And so when we go out in public and people see our kids and they go, these kids, listen, when our kids leave the park, I can sit on a park bench and I can say, one more slide and then we're going to go, guys. And six boys, one more slide and then we're going. And no one's throwing a fit. And it's a sight to behold at the park. Because you have moms chasing their little kids up on the thing and trying to hog tie them and then get down off of it with a screaming, kicking child. That is awful. That is absolutely awful. That poor mother, someone needs to tell her, you should expect that child to listen to you, and you should not tolerate that sort of behavior. And so when people notice these sorts of things, there's been a couple of times in our life where you see the look. They don't even know what to say. And I just go, they're happy, aren't they? They're happy, aren't they? And I say, well, they're that way because we discipline them, and we expect them to do what we tell them to do.

And that's how I tell them. I expect my kids to do what I say. And people are like, wow, you're awful big and you're awful mean. I'd do what you say too. And so to mediate that, what I say to them is I say, but they're happy, aren't they? They're not cowering in fear from me. They're happy. And so yes, I'm big and yes, I'm loud and all of that stuff. But my kids aren't doing it because they're deathly afraid of me. They're doing it because they know I expect them to do what I tell them to do. And from the minute I have an expectation, I just tell them, this is what you're going to do. Because that's what you can say to a five-year-old. Do this. Stop what you're doing. Now do this. And it will produce good things when they're older. I've seen it happen. My oldest is nine, so I haven't hit the over ten, you know, that second group of kids. I haven't hit it yet. And Vanessa and I haven't done it perfectly by any stretch of the imagination.

But we expect our kids to do what we're told. And so if you want to love your child, expect them to do what you tell them to do. And speak to them in a way that your tone, your words, your body, everything communicates. I expect you to do what I'm telling you. I want you to stop crying. I want you to clean up your toys. I want you to eat your peas. I want you to go to bed. I expect you to do it. And you sit there and you think, but it doesn't... Pastor, it doesn't work. And if you're real honest, you'll say, I've even seen your kids not listen to you. And you guys all have. You've seen my kids not listen to me. Because it's not perfect. And so what do you do when they don't listen? Oh no, you're all watching. What am I supposed to do? You're all watching. I discipline them. I teach them. That's what I do. Is it a personal failure?

I do not have a pact with my kids that when we're in public, you have to do what I say because everyone's watching and we have to present this perfect. No, because none of your houses work that way. Why does my house have to work that way? My kids have to be perfect and your kids are sinners and I'm a perfect parent and you're not? No. My kids need to be disciplined when they disobey. And so I do. And I don't get all worried and anxious and, oh no, and the poor kid's going to hate me. No, I love my children. And I desire their life. And so I expect them to do what I tell them to do. And when they don't, it's not the end of the world. Because God's given us discipline to continue to train them. And so that's what we do. And a whole while through it, from the time I spoke to them and said, here's what I want you to do, to the time that I say, you need to go to the bedroom. I love them. You love them.

So to love your children is to first, to expect them to do what you tell them to do. And to not be ashamed of the authority that God's vested you with as their mother or father. He has given you these children to train up and to turn a profit with. Remember, it's like the parable of the talents. He has given you seed money. He has given you children with the explicit purpose of turning a profit with them. You should give him back. Godly children. He didn't give you godly children to start with. Your job is to give him back godly children. And he helps us in that process. But I'm not going to go down that rabbit trail. I'm going to avoid it. He helps us, but the goal is that we're to return to him what he gave us with interest. This is how we parent. This is our goal. And to do that, you have to expect that they will do what you tell them to do. And when they don't, you have to address it. He didn't mean well. He disobeyed.

And it's such a hard thing to talk about. Because what happens if they actually didn't hear you? Then what do you do? Well, you discipline them for not hearing you. Well, yeah. I mean, should that be a possibility? Absolutely. Absolutely. Your kids need to learn to hear your voice. Lots of kids have had lots of bad things happen to them because they never learned to hear their parents' voice. And so, yeah, you may well discipline them for not hearing you, but you may not too. Happens if you've been out all day, and they miss their naps, and you've been filling them full of Coca-Cola and McDonald's french fries, and they didn't get their nap, and they've been in the car for four hours, and you got home, and it's 10.30 at night. And you say, go get your pajamas, and lo and behold, they didn't hear you. Right? See, I'm not the only house where this has happened.

So what is a loving parent doing here? They're determining how to engage. At that point, my suggestion is help your tired child to get to bed. That's what you ought to do. That's what love looks like. You have spread them way too thin for some fun time that you had, and that's great. But the cost of that is they don't hear. Their brains and their ears aren't connected. I have kids that will walk into corners. Our house, the walls don't move. And the kids will round the corner, wham, into the corner. And you're like, what? Love says that child isn't being willfully disobedient when they said, I didn't hear you. They're walking into corners of walls. The poor child needs to be led by the hand to bed and hugged and kissed and tucked in. That's what that child needs. He does not need a spanking for not listening to you.

And you laugh, but I'm telling you, I had to learn that you don't spank a kid at that point. And you'll have to learn it too. And that's just one example. And all I'm trying to articulate to you is that disciplining children takes all of your mental capacity as a mom or dad. Because you know who else is tired at 10.30 after all the Coke and all the French fries? You are. And yet you're the parent, so you have to love them. So you have to be wise about how you care for them. And so to love your child is to expect them to do what you tell them, but not in this harsh, wooden, sort of cold way. Tenderly. Realizing their frame. They're weak. They're little. They're tired. So what else does it mean for a father to love his son? Well, I want to talk a little bit about how parents view discipline. I said earlier that we don't want to discipline our kids. And if I could strip away the fear or compulsion that you experience,

Excuse me. And just say, when you say to your child, honey, I want you to put forks on, would you please put forks on the table? And they're three feet away. They looked right at you. They said, uh-huh. And then they went over to the drawer and then wanted a drink. And then five minutes later, they're back playing with the Legos and there's no forks on the table. What do you do? Do you want to discipline your child right now? Do you want to spank them for that? There's not a person in this room that wants to spank their child for that. Unless they're angry. But I said, I took the anger away. You're not angry. You're not under compulsion. Just, here's a situation. Do you want to spank that child? No, you don't. I don't. What do I want to do? And a little louder, and a little more forcefully, I told you to put forks on the table. But I'm telling you, that child in that situation, if, you know, naps and they're not walking in the walls,

That child should be disciplined, lovingly. And you know why it's so imperative that they're disciplined at that point? Because you're not angry yet. You've told them, I expected you to put the forks on the table because that's what I told you to do. And you didn't. Did you do it? No. Why not? Well, because I, you know, okay, I understand. I get it. And I love you. But you knew exactly what I wanted, didn't you? Okay, this is what you're going to be disciplined for. But none of us want to do it at that point because we're not angry yet. And you realize how deep it is that you have to be angry before you'll spank your children. And I'm telling you that that's awful. That child should be spanked because you're not angry and you're not going to go in there and be harsh with them. You're going to go in there and be intentional with them and be kind to them. As you spank their bottom and it hurts.

And you're going to be glad to hug them and comfort them afterwards because you're not angry at them still. And so that child should be disciplined. But oftentimes they don't get disciplined because you don't want to do it. And I can tell you in my own house, it's so much more peaceful when we engage in the conflict at that point. It isn't better when we let that go and we're three or four times into, you know, repeatedly saying, put the forks on the table. If you don't put, you know, out comes the ultimatums. If you don't... I mean, maybe you get the forks on the table, but who wants to use them? Everyone's angry. And so the real difficulty here is that parents don't want to spank their kids. They say, well, I'm afraid about CPS coming into my home. I'm afraid about this, and I'm afraid about that. And I say, I understand. You know, if you take your child at that point, and you go and you...

squat their bottom a couple of times and you hug them and you pray with them and you love on them and everyone comes out of the room happy and then we put forks on the table. CPS doesn't have anything to do with your house. They really don't. If you're concerned about CPS, then don't discipline, then don't spank your kids out in public. Be wise. But don't use it, you know, in your own homes. I don't want you to be afraid that they're just going to come beating your door down and snatch your kids away. Be wise. Be aware of who's watching and who's around. I've said to some of you before, I said, you know, your kids don't know the difference between public and private the way you do. They think that their friend's house is public. They think small group's public. It's not nearly as public as Kroger, right? So teach those. So be wise and take opportunities as they're presented to you. I would recommend you not spank your kids in public, ever. I think if something comes to such a head that it needs to be dealt with, take them out to the car. Wait till you get home.

Leave your grocery cart in the store just how it is and take everybody home and deal with it. That's too hard. I say, well, what's more important here? How long do you want to deal with that kid doing that in that store when you're grocery shopping? Go deal with it. It'll only take a trip or two home of you taking them home and disciplining them and then going back and do the work for them to learn that that's not acceptable behavior here. You won't have to do that forever, but you may have to do it. a couple of times. And then six months later, you may have to do it again. Because they're just testing to see if things have changed. This is parenting. This is discipline. This is loving your children. Discipline's not fun. That's part of the reason we don't like it. No child likes it. They don't look forward to it. Hebrews tells us that it's not joyful, but it's sorrowful. And that's true for the child. That's true for the parent. When I say that you should

discipline your children and it should be a blessing and it should be from love. It shouldn't be this like, I can't wait to spank you. I'm just waiting for you to do something wrong so I can spank you. It shouldn't be that sort of thing. It's better to obey rather than to sacrifice. You should want your children's obedience. You shouldn't want to have to discipline them. But having said that, you should know you're going to have to discipline them. And it's not fun. Causing a little child to cry is not fun. Hugging them and snuggling with them and seeing their heart soften afterwards, now that's enjoyable. But discipline's not fun. And so we can just be honest and say it's not fun, and yet it is profitable, and it is a blessing. And so you ought to do it. You shouldn't process it in terms of fun. You should process it in terms of fruit. What fruit does it produce?

I said earlier, and I want to expand on it a little bit, that discipline ought to be a normal part of your life at home. And what's normal? Well, talk to me afterwards, and I'll tell you what I think normal in your house looks like. And it's my opinion. It's not written in the Bible what normal is. What implement to use or not to use. How many swats. How often. None of that's written in the Bible. And so you fill in those practical questions with people you know. And who know you. But discipline is a normal part of our lives with our children. It's not going to be this like, it's not like the nuclear option that like when we get, if we have to go over there and push the big red button, things have really gone wrong. No, it's much more normal than that. Disciplining, your children needing discipline, I want to say this, especially to you moms, does not indicate that you're a failure as a parent, especially as a mom. A child needing to be spanked doesn't mean that you failed. Think of it this way.

When we have to be disciplined, does it mean that God failed? Of course not. Of course not. And I understand that you love your children. And I understand that it hurts you and it scares you and it does all kinds of things when you see them sin. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you failed. Now, it may well be the fruit of your failure. And so this is why discipline is so hard to talk about. Because on one hand I say, it doesn't indicate that you shouldn't walk around with this storm cloud of guilt. My kids sinned because I failed. And yet you should be self-aware enough or humble enough to listen to someone else when they say, you know the reason that they do that is because that's what you do. And if you want them not to do it, then you've got to not do it. And so it is your fault that they're doing it. And it takes wisdom to process that. That's why I said if you're curious, you can come ask me afterwards and I can say, well, in your home or you're like this or the kids are like that, we can process the particular.

But there's no general rule where I can say, well, if this, then that, for everybody. Because it doesn't fit. Some of you don't want to discipline so much that you actually don't do it. And some of you don't want to discipline and you react to it and you're forever spanking your kids. For everything. And so there's no rule that covers both groups of people or everyone in between. And so you have to get the principle into your head. What does it look like for you to be negligent? The scripture tells us that the father who loves his son disciplines him diligently. So what does negligence look like for you? And just know that the things that you neglect will not be obvious to you. You know how we all have our little tics and our little things that we do that everyone else notices but that we're unaware of? You have the same sort of blind spots in your discipline. You're not special if, I'm not saying, oh bad, you don't know yourself like you should. Well, I want you to grow in knowing yourself. But I also want to just acknowledge that

You don't know yourself as well as you think you do. And other people, they don't have your pride to protect, and so they can speak more objectively about what your strengths and weaknesses are. And that's a good thing. That's helpful. That's nice. And so discipline's a normal part of life for your children. Here's another way to think about it. Are you the kind of person that avoids ever getting in trouble? Do you try to figure out what the boundaries are and always keep yourself in between them so that you never, you know, show up on the radar. It's so stupid to do that. So that's me just plainly telling you. That's just dumb. And here's why it's dumb. First of all, it's dumb because you're the one who determined what's on the radar and what's not. And you don't get to determine that. God does. So when you think, I'm getting away, you're really not. Because God knows our hearts and he sees everything we do and it's not hidden.

And so you're playing a silly game of hide-and-go-seek that you're going to lose. So don't waste your time trying to hide your sin. Trying to hide and present and spin and all of that. You're a sinner. God sees your sin. To a lesser extent, other people see your sin. Don't waste your time trying to hide it. Trust God to discipline you when you need to be disciplined. I'm not saying... Go sin that grace may abound. I'm not saying, well, since you shouldn't hide your sin, you should just out with all the sin that's in you and pursue it all. No, I'm not saying that because that's offensive to God. But I am saying, don't live under this delusion that you can hide your sin and that it's actually hidden. Because in time, it'll be revealed. So don't waste your time hiding it. Be authentic. Be the real you in public and trust God to deal with you as such.

Okay? If you have a foul mouth at work, because none of you have foul mouths here, but if you have a foul mouth at work, it would be better for you to have a foul mouth at church than for you to lie when you're here. Now, why don't you have a foul mouth at church? Well, because somebody will say something to you. Right? So we don't say the bad words at church. We say the bad words at work, and we say the bad words at home, but we don't say the bad words at church. Because we wouldn't want people to think whatever those thoughts are about us. And I say, who are you fooling? Who do you really think you're fooling? You aren't fooling anybody. But the reason that you hide your sin is because you think it's hidden if you don't do it at church. But it's of no benefit to you because actually what will be better, there's three options. One is foul mouth outside of church, clean mouth at church. Second option is foul mouth outside of church, foul mouth at church.

What's the third option? No foul mouth anywhere. Right? Now, is that the easiest of the three options? No, it's the hardest of the three options, and so you hide. And I say, you hide, but your tail's hanging out, and we can see it. So don't waste your time trying to hide your sin. Be honest, and trust God to discipline you in whatever means he sees fit. It could be your parents, it could be your brother, it could be your co-workers, it could be your roommates, it could be... Your children, trust God to do it, to discipline you for it. Because that's what you want with your children. You want them to be honest. You want them to not run around hiding and keeping up a facade. It's a good thing when you see what's in your children's hearts. And it's good that when you see what's in their hearts, you remember I said last week, I said, when your kids sin, it's like they've pulled the blinds on the window into their heart.

And your job as a parent is to take them over to the window and tell them what you see through the window in their heart. And as you're showing them, do you see what you said? They have an excuse. Well, he this, or they that. I understand they did that. I saw that. Here's the thing that you won't take into account, son. Both of you sinned. It was wrong for him to take it, and it was wrong for you to punch him because he took it. Both of you sinned. His sin doesn't make your sin okay. And so you take them over to the window and you show them in there and you see how awful that is. Do you know that people your age, when they do stuff like this, do you know what they do when they're 20? Do you know what happens to kids like that? They don't have their dad to come over and to show them. Do you know what happens to them? Do you want that to happen? No. Neither do I. So what we're going to do is you're going to be disappointed. Because this can't continue, son.

It's dangerous for your soul. It's dangerous for the people around you. It's offensive to God. It doesn't please him for you to do this. Right? Do you see it, son? Yeah, I see it. Do you want to be spanked as a result of it? No. But honey, I love you. And you have got to learn not to do this. And I'm going to discipline you for it. These are the sorts of conversations you have with your kids. You're teaching them to hate their sin. You're teaching them that it has... way worse consequences than a sore bottom for a minute or two because you love them. And it's your privilege as a parent, even though it's not fun, it's a privilege for you to be able to do this with your children so often as they need it. So the first thing is you have to expect them to honor you as their parent. The second thing is discipline's normal, guys. It's just normal. For some of you, it's too regular.

but it's a normal part of life. Even if you're tempted to spank your kids too much, it's still a normal part of life, and you have to figure out how to negotiate it. The third thing is we're to discipline them diligently. A father who loves his son disciplines him diligently. Now, I want you to think of it like this for a second. Do you want to be disciplined diligently? Do you want someone else to discipline you diligently? Yes and no. So Mallory says yes and no with a smile on her face, and Dan's sitting over there going, yes. And they're both expressing the exact same thing. What they're expressing is, it would be good for me and it would be unpleasant for me. This is the reality of discipline. The reason it makes us uncomfortable is because that word diligently, I mean, how many diligent people do you know? Do you respect them? Being diligent is normally a good thing, right? We have words that we just associate. That's a good thing and that's a bad thing, right? Are consequences good or bad? Come on, be honest. Are they good or bad?

Bad. Okay, when you hear about getting consequences, you think that's bad. But there is a such thing as a good consequence, right? But it's just a word that means bad. Consequence means bad. Okay? Diligent's the same kind of word. Is diligent good or bad? It's good. Okay, so is it good to be a diligent Xbox player? No. But we wouldn't use the word diligent to describe that because that's a bad thing. And so you have in your mind this idea that diligent means regularly, thoroughly, until it's complete. They don't quit until it's done. They're hardworking. They're thorough. They're going to see it through to the end. And you think, I don't know that I want someone disciplining me like that, who's thorough and who doesn't miss things and ties up all the loose ends and leaves no wiggle room. I don't know that I want to be disciplined like that. It's like boot camp.

That's what I think of when I think of diligence. I think you aren't done until they say you're done and you're going to do absolutely everything that you've been told to do. You will not get out any other way. You won't get food, you won't get sleep, you won't get any of the things that you want until you do exactly what you have to do. And so we don't want to be disciplined diligently ourselves because we don't want that constant going on. But there's another aspect of diligence. For you to be diligent means a lot of work for you as a parent. To discipline your child diligently, it means a lot of work for you. It means that you're thinking enough to see that when that child doesn't put the forks on the table, that diligence is required of you right now, not neglect. And you're going, but I'll just put the forks on the table. Dinner's ready. Mom doesn't want to take the time for me to discipline.

And you're just being negligent, really. Diligence means a lot of work for you, and you have to come to embrace it. You have to come to love it, to appreciate it. Diligence is actually, as you thought, a good thing. Now you have to be diligent to discipline your child so often as it's necessary. And there will be an ebb and a flow to that. A couple of other things. Diligently doesn't mean constantly. Diligently means faithfully. It means so often as it's required of you, you do it. There's no place in godly parenting to turn a blind eye to blatant disobedience. It has to be dealt with. And so what's it look like to discipline your son diligently? Well, yeah, we're getting there, Dan. It looks like you, you know, if you're going to spank a child and they refuse to make eye contact with you, what's that mean?

Yeah, it means their heart's not soft. That's what it means. If it happens that you spank your child and they're sitting on your lap and they care more about their toys or they care more about looking at themselves in the mirror or they're just like, your face is here and there. And you kind of pull their eye back and they look and they're... You're not done. You're not done. That child's heart's not soft. And you can turn a blind eye to that. You can say, well... I hope it gets better. I do too. Finish the job. Your child should have a soft heart. And yet, so here I say that, and some of you are going, so that means I have to spank my kid and spank my kid and spank my child until they make eye contact with me. And I say, no, you can't spank your, you can't sit in there for an hour paddling your kids behind. You can't do it. You may not. That would be unbiblical. And so, know that child. I have,

particular sons of mine, have a harder time making eye contact. And it's not necessarily because he's being disobedient. Some of it is he happens to just be more fearful than any of our other kids when he's going to be disciplined. And he just has a hard time. He can't hold still. He has a hard time not screaming. And he also has a hard time making eye contact. And I would do absolutely nothing except harm him if I sat in there and spanked him and spanked him and spanked him and spanked him until... He stopped screaming, stopped squirming, and made perfect eye contact in one sitting. And so with that child, I'm looking for him tending towards self-control during that process. And eye contact's one of the things that demonstrates he has self-control. And so with that child, I'm looking to see him not flail around so much because he's scared. And he's making progress there. And not screaming. We can actually talk now before...

before I spank him because he's not screaming and shaking because he's so scared. That's good progress. But he still struggles to make eye contact. And so you know what I do? I'll show you what I do. Joseph, come here. And it's not him. Stand right there. So don't look at my face. Refuse to look at my face. Joseph, look at my face. No, don't look at my face. Joseph, honey, I'm talking to you. Look at me. We're role playing. Look at me. Honey, look at me. No, I need to go like that. Okay, this is my other son. Do you know what I do? I do this. Look at me. I'm talking to you, honey, and I love you. Okay? Go sit down. Thank you. This is discipline. This is knowing your children. Okay? I have other kids that if they won't make eye contact, it's because they have a hard heart. Still. No question. But that other son, that's not what's going on. And so you have to know your kids and know what's going on with them. And you have to deal with them accordingly.

Diligently means faithfully. Diligently also means consistently. Consistency from day to day, consistency from week to week, month to month. Most importantly, consistency between mother and father. That's the most important consistency that you need. If mom and dad don't agree about what the children are being disciplined for, then the house is divided. And a house divided against itself can't stand. And so mom and dad, you have work to do. You guys have to be agreed about what we're working on right now. Because you guys have different priorities, you have different work in the home, you have different relationships with the child, and yet you guys have to be a united front, consistent toward the child. And so in my house, what that looks like, I've told some of you guys before, no more than three rules at any time in your house that you're working on. Does that mean you can only have three rules in your house? No. But it means you can only be teaching three things at a time.

We have rules in our house. No screaming, no throwing things. We have one child that's screaming a lot right now. That's her rule. But generally speaking, no throwing toys, no climbing on furniture, no jumping, playing, being destructive, and no disrespecting your mother. These are good rules. They apply in other people's houses too. Now, when we have a child that... doesn't want to eat their food. They're a picky eater. And they don't pick up after themselves. And ten other things that they do. You and your wife need to talk. You need to pick, okay, there's so much to choose from. We're at a smorgasbord of disobedience. What do we want for dinner? The three of you need to decide what you're going to, the three of you, the two of you need to decide what you're going to put on your plate. I'm sorry, there's only two of you. You need to decide.

The thing we're going to address is this. We're going to address screaming at the dinner table for food. We're both going to address it. Okay, great, go. No. How are you going to address it? With this child. Because a 10-month-old screaming at the table is going to be addressed differently than a 4-year-old screaming at the table. How are we going to address it? What are we going to do? Because we are going to do the same thing when that child screams. We are going to use the same vocabulary. Because if one parent's saying, stop screaming, and the other one's saying, that's enough, be quiet, you're making it miserable for this child. You have to use language that's consistent. You'll make much better progress if you guys have consistent language. And so this is the work of being a mom and a dad. This is diligence. If he screams at the table, we're going to remind him one time, quietly and calmly, honey, you may not scream at the table. Just like that. That's really commanding, isn't it?

You may not scream at the table. The question is, do you want your children to respond to being spoken to like that? Or do you have to scream and yell and hoop and holler for them to, oh, you're talking to me? No, you want them to respond to your tone. You may not scream at the table. And so you speak to them that way, and then the consequences come after that tone. So they learn that was the threshold. And then mom and dad do the same thing. This is consistency. And I'm telling you, God blesses it. And children learn. They really do learn. But you've got to do a lot of work, mom and dad, to get on the same page and be consistent. Make sure that you're diligent to reconcile with your children after you spank them. That's part of being diligent. And the reason I bring this up is because it's the first thing to go. If you get in the room and you're going to spank the child, you're going to talk to them about their offense and all of that stuff, the first thing that you will neglect to do, there's one of two things that you will neglect to do. One will be to pray.

And the second will be to reconcile with them. Those are the things you won't do. Don't neglect those things. Be diligent to do those things. Be reconciled. Your children should leave the room happy. And so it's very common at my house that discipline sessions end with tickling. Because it's important to me that my child understand that before they leave that room, that they know daddy's not angry. So we have fun. And that should be a regular part of your discipline of your children. You've got to make sure that you're reconciled. Three quick points of application. What does our text tell us? We're to discipline them diligently. If you love your children you'll discipline them diligently. Love doesn't mean flippancy or indifference. Love means righteous anger. Love means expectations. Love means grief. Love means pain. Do you have a principle of never letting your kids know that they hurt you when they sin?

I don't think you have a trouble communicating to them that you're angry when they sin, but do they know that they've hurt you? Do they know that it's sad to you? Or do you not ever want to show that to them? That's what love is. You'll cry around people you love. They know what hurts you. They know what's difficult for you. And your children ought to know those things. And so loving them requires you to be vulnerable. It's not just, oh, well, I told you to put forks on the table and you didn't, so now we need to go get disciplined. Then we go in the room and, okay, why are we in here? Let me put forks on the table.

That's right. Now, did I tell you to put forks on the table? Yes. You know you were supposed to do what mommy tells you because mommy loves you, right? Yes. And you know you didn't do that, right? Yes. So you need a spanking, right? Yes. Okay, here you go. Do you understand? Spank, spank, spank, cry, cry, cry, hug, hug, hug. Do you understand what you did was wrong? Yes. You're not going to do that again, are you? No. Why not? Because I'm not supposed to. Okay, good job. What's wrong with that? That's right. That's right, Louise. That's one thing that's wrong with it. And I didn't tickle them. What else is wrong with that is you never communicated that you cared that they disobeyed. All you communicated was that you have a duty to spank their bottom because they didn't do what was right. They have to know you care. They have to know you care. And however, we all communicate that when we care, we all communicate it differently. But your kids know what you care about.

They know how you communicate when you're talking about things you care about. You get excited, your eyes, you start moving your hands, your tone changes, whatever it is, your kids know when you're talking about what you care about. And so be sure that when you're disciplining them, you talk with caring about it. That's what it means to love your children. The second thing, ask for help when you're not sure what to do in a particular situation. There is absolutely no shame, no shame in asking for help. My son, I'm having trouble with such and such at bedtime. I'm having trouble at nap time. He doesn't want to eat his food. He spits it all out of his mouth. He's throwing toys across the room. He doesn't come when he's called. Whatever the problem is, ask for help. You don't need to reinvent the wheel. You really don't. Ask for help. That's key to you being able to discipline them diligently. If you're not sure what to do, it's impossible for you to be consistent in doing it. Ask for help.

Make a plan. Try the plan for six weeks. If it doesn't work, get some more help. That didn't work. What should we do? The final thing is sometimes you ask for help and sometimes you don't. Sometimes people speak into your life anyway. Listen to them. Listen to them. That doesn't mean just blindly do whatever they say and just assume that everyone knows you and your kids and everything that goes on in your house better than you. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is if someone loves you enough to come to you and say, there's a problem, I think you need to address it. Listen to them. Don't be defensive.

Because what they have is your children's best interest at heart. When the Sunday school teachers come and tell me, your kids aren't doing the memory work, I didn't ask for them to come tell me that, did I? And I want to get frustrated at my kids or frustrated at my wife or frustrated at everyone but me, them for telling me that everyone are not doing it. No, listen to them. And then work on it. It may be that you're unaware of the problem, but most times you'll know why they're talking to you. You'll know why. Your kids are struggling with that thing. It won't be like, oh, I didn't know he was having a hard time with that. You'll know. And so it's not lack of knowledge. So listen to them. Hear them out. Hear what they have to say. Father, we thank you for our children. We thank you for your word and instructing us on how to raise them. We pray, Father, that you'd give us wisdom and insight and discernment regarding our children. And help us, Father, to discipline them diligently, to love their souls, to help us to teach them to love life.

and to love you. We pray in Jesus' name. Amen.